My Daily Declaration

I will run the race in such a way that I receive the prize
I will run w/ certainty and purpose
I will fight
I will discipline my body and bring it under subjection
I will not be disqualified.
For I am more than a conqueror

Love

Note: Don't worry. This is not some sappy blog about romance.

I love God. I do. Everyday I learn more about what that means. But right now I know that every new thing I learn about Him, I love. I wouldn't want to live without Him in my life. Yes, I get frustrated and angry (shocking, I know) at Him sometimes. We all do, right? But I know that even when it's hard to talk to Him or when I don't feel worthy or when I'm frustrated, I still love Him.

That's the nature of agape love. Love that is unconditional. Love in spite of the circumstances.

I love my parents. Oh yes, they've made me angry and confused and sad and frustrated. But I love them. I understand that they are human and will make mistakes and I don't punish them for that. So I will always love them. Even the times I was most angry or annoyed at them (which I can't remember, of course), I still loved them.

True love does not go away when things get hard.

I love Candiss and Arlene. Both of them will tell you that my friendships w/ them have not always been sunshine and walks in the park. I've fought and cried with both of them. Neither of them are the same as me and I love that. They are so deeply embedded in my life that I couldn't stop loving them if I tried.

What am I getting at? A definition of love. What does it mean when I say, "I love you"? I'm learning that those 3 little words mean different things to different people, but there has to be some common thread, right?

I love you:
- I want what's best for you.
- I'd rather live w/ your flaws than live w/o you
- I enjoy being around you
- You make me smile and I like to make you smile
- I feel your joy and your pain when you feel them.
- I would die for you ("...darlin if you want me to..." - sorry...couldn't resist)
- I accept you as you are
- And I feel this way even when times are hard, when I'm angry at you and even when you've hurt me.

We don't always feel all of these things Day 1 in a friendship, romantic relationship, with our families or even with God. But, I believe that we can get there and surpass that definition. Yes, it takes time. Yes, your love for someone can grow over time. And, I believe that this is the love modelled for us by God - not romance novels and not the movies.

I love God. I love my parents. I love Candiss and Arlene. The list goes on.

And I believe that my husband will love me like this one day (and then some). Why not? I'm worth it. I'm not crazy for wanting this. Who just wants philios or eros? They're awesome. But if you add agape to those, you've got the recipe for AWESOMAZING!

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails...And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

What are your thoughts? What's your definition of "I love you"?

Another List (and stuff)

Things I'm Learning About Myself & Stuff

(I think adding "and stuff" to any sentence displays a level of sophistication and class...lol...maybe a low level)

2009 is under way and I'm already feeling in need of a vaca [I've started shortening everything...try it! It's fun!]. Maybe I just feel like that cuz [and I don't speak proper English anymore] I've been sick for most of the new year. Don't worry, just had a cold. But I wasn't resting enough, so I've felt run down and tired a lot. I will fix that this weekend by sleeping & lounging around as much as possible.

Anyways, despite the fact that I've been under the weather and an all-around unexciting person this past week or so, I've been learning and experiencing some things. So, in the spirit of updating this blog more often and just cuz I want to, I will share.

1. I can be assertive! I've been accused of being on the more passive side and, while I just call it extremely low maintainence, I've been trying to work on that. I think my problem in confronting certain issues has been that I didn't know how to assert myself w/o being mean (read the "Jerk" blogs of early 2008). But this week, I was able to address an issue w/o being an awful person. Someone was asking me to do something and I needed to think about the answer before I responded to her via email. But she kept following up w/ me everyday asking "Did you get my email? What do you say?". That was starting to bother me (the same person had done it to me before) and making me not want to answer at all. So I confronted her and I wasn't evil. I was honest and direct. I'm learning that I can be assertive w/o being agressive. Yay for growth!

2. This patience thing isn't too bad...sometimes. Actually, I've learned over the past couple months (in a couple of areas) that patience can be a strategy. For example, when you're buying a car, it's not a good idea to buy the 1st car you see at the 1st lot you go to. And even after a dealer quotes a price, if you're patient, sometimes they will lower it. Try patience as a strategy (please use wisdom w/ this) and see that sometimes it can be fun.

[Warning: Your bills will not go away by you being patient and not paying them. Don't be silly!]

3. I can save gas by not going to work once a week. I'm being funny...kinda...But I'm really not. I filled up my tank on Monday night. I called in sick on Tuesday (I really was sick) & only drove to the grocery store around the corner from my house. On Wednesday, I went to work & came home only. On Thursday, I went to work & went home. Now, it's Friday and I drove to work this morning. Normally, I would have about half a tank of gas left or less. But I've only used 1/4 of a tank this week. What? How is that possible? [maybe no midweek service & riding to the music ministry meeting w/ Terri had something to do w/ it, but we'll pretend it doesn't] My only conclusion can be that missing work on Tuesday was not only good for my health (and the health of my coworkers), it was also good for my gas tank and my bank account. Health, gas tank and bank account - a great 3-part harmony. Test that theory out sometime and see. Maybe, if enough of us do it, they (the powers that be...under God) will shorten the work week to 4 days in this recession.

I know, I'm crazy. But you love me anyway!

Wave Goodbye to 2008...Say Hello to 2009

I ought to be ashamed of myself for not posting in so long. Bad Dionna!

Okay, I'm over it now.

2009 is upon us. I looked back at the plans that I made for 2008 (I don't call them "resolutions," I call them plans) and some I accomplished, others I made some headway on and still others I totally blew.

So now, as I look to 2009, I'm going to carry over some plans from 2008. I'm also going to have a few BIG new plans for 2009. I won't bore you with all the details, but I will share some.

1. I WILL finish Encounter at the Well in 2009. I think it's important for me to share the music that God has put inside of me. I don't plan on going after a record deal or anything (I'm not that good). But I do think it's important to share the music. I will finish in 2009 also because this just needs to get done. I need to finish it and move on.

2. I will grow in patience in 2009. 2008 has been all about not rushing the process and learning patience. OMG! As I look back now I had to be patient in waiting for a boyfriend, getting a car, growing in my career. I won't even mention all of the things I'm still waiting on. Over and over, I had to keep hearing "don't rush the process", "respect the process", "be patient." UHG! Lame. A couple of months ago, I had to start telling myself that I'm not a Process Rusher. That is NOT my name (just like Jerk is not my name) and I will NOT wear that badge anymore.

3. I will grow in my understanding of my calling as a worshipper and a worship leader in 2009. The past few months have been a rollercoaster of emotions and opinions about who I am as a worship leader. To share a little, the first half of 2008, I experienced tremendous growth in the area of worship leading. It seemed that my style of leadership, my voice and my songs were needed in worship. Then something happened and I began to...well...suck, to be honest. What the heck happened? I understand some of it and other parts confuse me, but I know that God wants me to be a worship leader.

So I was frustrated. I wanted to grow and learn and I knew I had a lot of room for growth in my spiritual preparation for worship. And people kept saying that I needed to get out of my comfort zone, push myself. That's good advice. At the same time, my name is not Darnell or Terri or Tonee or Jessica. I will never sound, look or lead worship like them. Yes, I need to be able to exhort if necessary, but I will NEVER mimic them completely and try to get their results.

So the conclusion is that maybe God doesn't want to use my particular gifts to lead worship in front of HOPE's House in this season. As a matter of fact, I'm taking on a new role as the Worship Leader for Children's Ministry. That's really exciting. I'll get to be able to teach kids about what worship is (and is not) and show them how to do it. Enough about that for now, though.

4. I will try new things in 2009. Here are a few of my ideas:
- Join a hiking club (I like hiking and I've never done much of it. Why not?)
- Explore Ventura Blvd on the weekends. Check out all of the shops and restaurants.
- Save up $$$ to take a trip. I think I want to do this every year from now on and go someplace new every year.

The way things are looking, 2009 will be another busy year. I better stop now so that my excitement doesn't start to turn into stress...lol. Happy New Year!

Turn Off the Noise

I wrote this back in early December or late November and never posted it. So here ya go!

It's crazy how you can hate being busy AND hate doing nothing.

This summer was probably the craziest summer of my life. I was working on an album, coordinating a wedding, maid of honor in another wedding, starting a new relationship, babysitting every week, took a vacation to NY AND working and doing ministry stuff. Every week I stopped and said, "what the heck was I thinking"? I couldn't wait for it to be over (not that I didn't have fun - I had plenty of that) and for life to just be calm again.

Now, life is quite calm (partly due to the fact that I don't have a car) and I'm itching to be busy again.

Funny thing is that when life is slow, you can hear God a lot clearer. And let me tell you, He is speaking. I mean, I can ask Him something and immediately hear His answer and be sure that's Him. CRAZY!

I'm learning that all the busyness, all the distractions, the running from here to there - those are all NOISE. Sometimes we can't hear God because of the all the noise that's around us. Wake up. Rush around getting ready. Go to work. Run to church/meeting/rehearsal/outing w/ friends. Go home. Get ready for bed. Go to sleep.

When is God supposed to speak in the middle of all that? Oh some of us are spiritual and we have a regular quiet time every day - yeah, 10, 15, 20 minutes! Say a prayer, journal, read a scripture or 2 and move on. That's not a lot of time to get a word from God, digest it (cuz sometimes it just don't make sense....yes, grammar...I know) and decide how to apply it to your life.



So here's what I'm learning:

(Disclaimer: I don't claim to be perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I'm just telling you what my experience has been)



1. Although, I'm not a fan of the bus at all, I find that I'm able to look around, observe the people and the world around me, listen to music (actually, listen to the words of songs instead of just mindlessly singing along). Sometimes God speaks to me through that observing.



2. I spend more time at home these days (if I'm not at work, at church, w/ Mark or w/ friends - trust me - I'm spending more time at home). If I turn off my Friends dvd and light a couple candles and just sit, He's happy to join me. He never disappoints. Even if He's not speaking to me in words, I can still read His Word or write a song inspired by Him or take inventory of all that He's done that day or week or hour. In any case, it's quality time and God loves it.

Enjoy!

Reasons I Need to Stop Riding the Bus/Train

Hey All,

This has nothing to do w/ worship or my purpose or vision at all. I just wanted to give a kinda fun update. So, some of you may know, I've been taking the bus/train recently because I was in a car accident a few weeks ago. I hadn't taken public transportation in LA since my 1st couple of years in college and never in the Valley, so this has been a learning experience.

Bottom line, I'm not a fan of public transportation & I thought I'd share some reasons:

REASONS I NEED TO STOP RIDING THE BUS/TRAIN:

• Weird schedules - I'm either late to everything or super early.
• The man practicing his martial arts skills on the pole scares me.
• The air conditioning is ALWAYS blasting. Am I the only person who has to bring extra clothes just to ride the bus?
• It costs $1.25 each way, but it's on the honor system (on the Orange Line & train). So nobody checks to make sure you bought a ticket (except for those poor cops from the LA County Sheriff's Dept who get stuck w/ ticket duty once every few weeks). It's like 4 integrity checks each day (because I buy 4 tickets a day).
• No personal space (especially in the evenings). People are crammed in like farm animals. I'm really just not a fan of strangers touching me.
• GERMS - Too many people coughing, sneezing, blowing their nose, etc. Now imagine hundreds of germy people going in and out of the buses/trains everyday and touching stuff. EWW GROSS!
• Running to catch a bus or train and then feeling stupid when you're too late anyway. Plus I'm all kinds of out of shape, so there's the shortness of breath to endure.
• Weird smells - Need I say more?

Freedom

Time for another post!

On Sunday, I went to an Amel Larrieux concert. If you don't know her, look her up. But chances are, you've probably heard some of her songs before ("For Real," on the radio now, or "Tell Me," from back in the 90s when she was the lead singer of Groove Theory).

Now, this woman is not a Christian artist. She's actually not a Christian at all, but I think I learned something about worship from her (go figure!).

So, one of the things that stood out to me about her is that she's willing to let go of the normal structure of the song (verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, chorus) and just flow with how she's feeling. The first time she deviated from the song and started scatting and doing runs and adlibbing, I was blown away. Every other time I was in awe.

I wish I had the kind of freedom that Amel has when I'm leading worship. Because of the structured type of person that I am, I really have to be careful not to get too hung up on:

• The order of the songs
• My hand & verbal signals to the band, vocalists and congregation
• Looking at the clock (to see how long worship has gone on)
• Am I moving around too much? Not enough?
• Feeding the congregation the words to a new song. Hopefully, I get the words right!

Don't get me started. I can go on and on. There are so many things that a "skilled" worship leader needs to take into account. But if you plan for everything, you can miss out on the plan that God has. I get that! So I'm careful not to plan too much and am constantly asking God what's next. Sometimes that's the same thing that I originally thought and sometimes it's different altogether.

I get all that. My problem is that I'm reserved. I always have been. I was shy when I was younger that has developped into this reserved thing about me. I do not run around the church. I do not do fancy runs (I probably can't do them anyways). I do not dance in church unless it's a simple 2-step or a special rock w/ the congregation. I wish I could break out in "I Believe I Can Fly" or "No Air" during a worship set, but I don't think I could do it.

Unfortunately, that might hold back what God is trying to do in the people during worship. Maybe singing "No Air" would have opened someone's mind to the truth of who God is that day. I don't know. But my prayer is that I will be willing to step into my calling with no restraints. If where the Spirit of the Lord is, there really IS freedom, then God hook me up really tight w/ your Spirit when I lead worship and cover me in freedom.