Hello November!
The hard part about committing to blog again is that I actually have to update the blog regularly. LOL! Okay. Here we go.
It's the beginning of November and anyone who knows me well knows what I'm getting excited about...Christmas! I LOVE the holiday. I also love the season. The weather gets chilly (off and on in LA), sweaters come out, holiday music begins to play, mugs of hot apple cider get passed around and trees and houses are decorated with sparkly, twinkly lights. And people are friendlier too! Imagine if people actually realized the true meaning for Christmas (i.e. Jesus). It would be downright magical!
To be completely honest, in addition to being excited about celebrating Jesus' birth, I actually think the holiday season is romantic. Imagine you are with the one you love (or are interested in). You're having a great time (as usual). But there's something about the atmosphere that charges the air more than normal. As the 2 of you laugh and talk, you are both illuminated by the light that hundreds of colorful, tiny Christmas lights are giving off. There's holiday music playing in the background - "This is Christmas" (by Plus One)..."Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire"..."The First Noel"..."Oh, Holy Night" (my personal favorite). And, the icing on the cake???? A fire roaring in a fireplace nearby. You can't tell me that's not romantic. If you don't agree, you're dead inside. LOL!
I LOVE the holidays!!!!!! :-)
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Oh, Be Careful Little Mouth What You Say
"Oh, be careful little mouth what you say..."
I learned a lot of songs in church when I was younger. Man, that one still rings true. Be careful little eyes what you see. Be careful little ears what you hear. Be careful little mouth what you say. I should have remembered that earlier this week when I whined that this would be the week from hell.
I came into this week knowing that I'd have 2 events at work that I was in charge of on Friday. I knew that I was co-leading GIRL Talk on Friday night. And I knew that I was leading our church's Harvest Festival tomorrow. There was a lot of planning and running around left for the festival and just thinking about it all had me feeling overwhelmed.
"This is going to be the week from hell!" I groaned.
Wanna know what happened next?
I got sick. On Tuesday I started coughing and I've been at it ever since. This ain't no cold. It feels like I felt when I had bronchitis in December. Boo!
Who knows if I would have gotten sick if I hadn't said that. What matters is how I respond. No more whining and complaining for me. God is still on the throne. I'm still His child. He's still taking care of me. Nothing has changed in my life this weekend. I still have to get up early tomorrow and work all day. But I'll have a good attitude. :-)
I learned a lot of songs in church when I was younger. Man, that one still rings true. Be careful little eyes what you see. Be careful little ears what you hear. Be careful little mouth what you say. I should have remembered that earlier this week when I whined that this would be the week from hell.
I came into this week knowing that I'd have 2 events at work that I was in charge of on Friday. I knew that I was co-leading GIRL Talk on Friday night. And I knew that I was leading our church's Harvest Festival tomorrow. There was a lot of planning and running around left for the festival and just thinking about it all had me feeling overwhelmed.
"This is going to be the week from hell!" I groaned.
Wanna know what happened next?
I got sick. On Tuesday I started coughing and I've been at it ever since. This ain't no cold. It feels like I felt when I had bronchitis in December. Boo!
Who knows if I would have gotten sick if I hadn't said that. What matters is how I respond. No more whining and complaining for me. God is still on the throne. I'm still His child. He's still taking care of me. Nothing has changed in my life this weekend. I still have to get up early tomorrow and work all day. But I'll have a good attitude. :-)
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Getting Back on Track
Ever wonder why smart people do stupid things?
Yesterday I realized that I had made the same mistake that I made 3 years ago. I got excited about a situation that wasn't what I thought it was. I had gotten ahead of myself, ahead of the situation.
I don't get very outwardly excited about much. It's one of the things about me that annoys my friends. I don't show anger or engage in heated arguments. I don't get giddy and jump up and down when I'm excited. People hate that about me. I'm not a fan of it either. Over the last year or so, I've been working on that and showing more enthusiasm when other people share things with me. I never want my friends to feel like I can't celebrate with them. But for my stuff? Ha! I know better than that.
I learned a long time ago not to be too happy about the possibility of something happening. More often than not, it doesn't work out and you're disappointed. Who knows how I learned that. But I did. Somehow that logic spread to things that actually do happen in my life. Something inside me says, "Don't get excited about that, Dionna. It's not going to last." My last long-term relationship, my album, the list goes on. I learned how to not engage emotionally w/ even some of the good things that go on in my life (got really good at it, actually).
So, how did I mess around and get excited about something that hasn't even happened to me yet? Must have let my guard down a little. I don't want to become one of those cynical people who are skeptical about everything. But I will be careful from now on. It's important to watch and observe for awhile before engaging emotionally. It's a very simple rule. I'm not saying anybody else should live like this. But it's how I plan on guarding my heart for the time being.
Yesterday I realized that I had made the same mistake that I made 3 years ago. I got excited about a situation that wasn't what I thought it was. I had gotten ahead of myself, ahead of the situation.
I don't get very outwardly excited about much. It's one of the things about me that annoys my friends. I don't show anger or engage in heated arguments. I don't get giddy and jump up and down when I'm excited. People hate that about me. I'm not a fan of it either. Over the last year or so, I've been working on that and showing more enthusiasm when other people share things with me. I never want my friends to feel like I can't celebrate with them. But for my stuff? Ha! I know better than that.
I learned a long time ago not to be too happy about the possibility of something happening. More often than not, it doesn't work out and you're disappointed. Who knows how I learned that. But I did. Somehow that logic spread to things that actually do happen in my life. Something inside me says, "Don't get excited about that, Dionna. It's not going to last." My last long-term relationship, my album, the list goes on. I learned how to not engage emotionally w/ even some of the good things that go on in my life (got really good at it, actually).
So, how did I mess around and get excited about something that hasn't even happened to me yet? Must have let my guard down a little. I don't want to become one of those cynical people who are skeptical about everything. But I will be careful from now on. It's important to watch and observe for awhile before engaging emotionally. It's a very simple rule. I'm not saying anybody else should live like this. But it's how I plan on guarding my heart for the time being.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Hi !!!!
It's been over a year since my last post. As I read it I thought: "Wow! That was me?" Since then, I've changed a lot in small ways that are hard to point out, but are adding up.
These days, I'm surrounded by the world of Facebook, Twitter and other people's blogs. Doing all of this sharing has inspired me to write again. Uh oh! Look out world! You never know what I'm going to say these days. :-)
Update:
HOME: I'm living by myself now in a 1 bedroom apartment. I SOOOO enjoy the freedom of living on my own. I control the tv, the bills, the food, the mess. But this place is different from my last place. My apartment is on the 2nd floor and the door opens to the elements. So I can step out my front door and be outside overlooking the outdoor courtyard of the building. Because of this, I now have to be more concerned about critters and hot or cold air. Since the "hallway" is outdoor, it's not carpeted, which means you hear everything that goes by. I feel a lot less insulated and a lot more exposed in this place.
But I still enjoy living alone. I've always had roommates, so I wanted to try it out and I enjoy it. It does get lonely sometimes. But my life is busy enough that I can usually avoid that.
MUSIC: Music is still a HUGE part of my life and I'm still singing. But I haven't released my album yet. I feel really stupid about the project taking this long. But it definitely has been a learning process. You can actually purchase 3 of my songs on iTunes - Thirsty, Lord Come In and This is Who I Am. Enjoy!
I'm no longer singing regularly on my church's praise team, though. God moved me to focus on ministry to women and children. So these days I'm exploring what He wants me to do there. I miss singing regularly, though. It broke my heart to leave the team. But I still get to sing at Midweek from time to time
MUSIC I'M CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:
- Mandisa
- Sara Bareilles
These days, I'm surrounded by the world of Facebook, Twitter and other people's blogs. Doing all of this sharing has inspired me to write again. Uh oh! Look out world! You never know what I'm going to say these days. :-)
Update:
HOME: I'm living by myself now in a 1 bedroom apartment. I SOOOO enjoy the freedom of living on my own. I control the tv, the bills, the food, the mess. But this place is different from my last place. My apartment is on the 2nd floor and the door opens to the elements. So I can step out my front door and be outside overlooking the outdoor courtyard of the building. Because of this, I now have to be more concerned about critters and hot or cold air. Since the "hallway" is outdoor, it's not carpeted, which means you hear everything that goes by. I feel a lot less insulated and a lot more exposed in this place.
But I still enjoy living alone. I've always had roommates, so I wanted to try it out and I enjoy it. It does get lonely sometimes. But my life is busy enough that I can usually avoid that.
MUSIC: Music is still a HUGE part of my life and I'm still singing. But I haven't released my album yet. I feel really stupid about the project taking this long. But it definitely has been a learning process. You can actually purchase 3 of my songs on iTunes - Thirsty, Lord Come In and This is Who I Am. Enjoy!
I'm no longer singing regularly on my church's praise team, though. God moved me to focus on ministry to women and children. So these days I'm exploring what He wants me to do there. I miss singing regularly, though. It broke my heart to leave the team. But I still get to sing at Midweek from time to time
MUSIC I'M CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:
- Mandisa
- Sara Bareilles
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Random Thought Spurts
1. Today I got a massage. It was more of an assault than a relaxing experience. I'm actually sore from this massage. That's sad.....I'd be lying if I said I'd give them a second chance and go back because I won't. But my friend was treating me to this massage, so I'm grateful. And it wasn't ALL bad.
2. I'm doing really well with my feelings about the BU. Getting stronger all of the time. God really does heal.
3. I went to a workshop today on networking. It was actually really good. I must admit that I'd always looked down on the whole concept because I equated the word w/ job hungry vultures. But it's really about building relationships for future career progression. Now, I have a lot of work to do to catch up.
4. I sang at a work event a couple of weeks ago. It's funny because I normally only sing for church, so I keep that very separate from my work life. Now, my coworkers know that I sing. I've even given one the link to my other blog. I'm still a little uncomfortable w/ those 2 parts of my life mixing. But I'm interested to see how (or if) God will use that.
5. I'm really for spring to get sprung in LA. It needs to heat up like right now. That's all.
6. Next weekend I'm off to Palm Springs on a vacation w/ my girls from high school. We haven't all seen each other since Arlene's wedding (in 2008)7 and we've NEVER done a trip like this before (although, we've talked about it for years). I'm looking forward to it because I need a break and I miss these girls. But I'm a little worried that it might be awkward because we haven't hung out as a group for so long. I'll blog about how it goes.
7. Tomorrow is Easter. Let's all remember Jesus and His passion for us.
2. I'm doing really well with my feelings about the BU. Getting stronger all of the time. God really does heal.
3. I went to a workshop today on networking. It was actually really good. I must admit that I'd always looked down on the whole concept because I equated the word w/ job hungry vultures. But it's really about building relationships for future career progression. Now, I have a lot of work to do to catch up.
4. I sang at a work event a couple of weeks ago. It's funny because I normally only sing for church, so I keep that very separate from my work life. Now, my coworkers know that I sing. I've even given one the link to my other blog. I'm still a little uncomfortable w/ those 2 parts of my life mixing. But I'm interested to see how (or if) God will use that.
5. I'm really for spring to get sprung in LA. It needs to heat up like right now. That's all.
6. Next weekend I'm off to Palm Springs on a vacation w/ my girls from high school. We haven't all seen each other since Arlene's wedding (in 2008)7 and we've NEVER done a trip like this before (although, we've talked about it for years). I'm looking forward to it because I need a break and I miss these girls. But I'm a little worried that it might be awkward because we haven't hung out as a group for so long. I'll blog about how it goes.
7. Tomorrow is Easter. Let's all remember Jesus and His passion for us.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Like an Onion
They call break ups a process for a reason. Mine had (has) several layers:
1. The Blame Game
As I mentioned before, I blamed myself for the relationship ending. Sometimes when kids' parents get divorced, they blame themselves. That's because they don't understand what happened. That's how I felt. I didn't feel like MC give me the real story when we broke up. But I also just didn't understand. "God, I prayed for this. You said yes. Why would you allow it to end like this? We loved each other, made each other laugh, had inside jokes, were attracted to each other. I don't get it." God wasn't giving me very many answers or clarity. I didn't understand, so I blamed myself. I wasn't pretty enough. I pushed him too hard. I wanted to spend too much time w/ him. I didn't wear the right clothes. I made too big of a deal about my birthday. Ridiculous, huh? SIDENOTE: Somehow, I forgot that I'd strongly considered breaking up w/ him. But strong emotions make you forget the truth sometimes.
2. The God Factor
Where was God in all of this? I did feel like God answered a prayer when we started dating. What was the point of allowing us to date for A YEAR just to break up? Plus, God was telling me some confusing things after the break up. I wouldn't dare say that God was contradicting Himself because I know He doesn't do that. But I still don't know what some of His words that he gave me after the BU mean. I do know that He took very good care of me. I got to see my family every month after the BU. He provided for me financially thru several awards from work. He put people around me to affirm me. He gave me my very own 1 Kings 19 experience and I'll never forget that.
3. MC is Still a Part of My Life.
I don't really feel like going into this right now. But I will say that he and I still talk. For some reason, I feel really comfortable telling him almost anything. But him still being around has made things complicated for me and my process at times. I really am going to write a book about this one day.
Other layers include....
4. My Private Process
It's not easy carrying all that weight around on your own shoulders and rarely being able to unload it.
5. My Public Process
That would be my current state. I don't know what to say about this yet.
6. Dating Someone New (HIM)
As far as I know, that hasn't happened yet. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. But it's out of my control.
7. Dating Someone New (ME)
This also hasn't happened yet. But now that I know how much I'm worth and how someone who is serious about me and feels strongly for me should treat me, I feel much more equipped for whoever I allow to date me next.
8. Friends
It's funny how my friends' reactions to the BU and MC change based on my attitude. It used to be a regular topic of conversation. Now that I've vowed not to talk about it much, neither do they. I have some great friends. I think they'll be ecstatic when my turn finally comes for the "right" relationship. Yes, they sometimes make things more difficult for me, but I know it's out of love.
I'm sure there are other layers, but maybe they'll come up later.
1. The Blame Game
As I mentioned before, I blamed myself for the relationship ending. Sometimes when kids' parents get divorced, they blame themselves. That's because they don't understand what happened. That's how I felt. I didn't feel like MC give me the real story when we broke up. But I also just didn't understand. "God, I prayed for this. You said yes. Why would you allow it to end like this? We loved each other, made each other laugh, had inside jokes, were attracted to each other. I don't get it." God wasn't giving me very many answers or clarity. I didn't understand, so I blamed myself. I wasn't pretty enough. I pushed him too hard. I wanted to spend too much time w/ him. I didn't wear the right clothes. I made too big of a deal about my birthday. Ridiculous, huh? SIDENOTE: Somehow, I forgot that I'd strongly considered breaking up w/ him. But strong emotions make you forget the truth sometimes.
2. The God Factor
Where was God in all of this? I did feel like God answered a prayer when we started dating. What was the point of allowing us to date for A YEAR just to break up? Plus, God was telling me some confusing things after the break up. I wouldn't dare say that God was contradicting Himself because I know He doesn't do that. But I still don't know what some of His words that he gave me after the BU mean. I do know that He took very good care of me. I got to see my family every month after the BU. He provided for me financially thru several awards from work. He put people around me to affirm me. He gave me my very own 1 Kings 19 experience and I'll never forget that.
3. MC is Still a Part of My Life.
I don't really feel like going into this right now. But I will say that he and I still talk. For some reason, I feel really comfortable telling him almost anything. But him still being around has made things complicated for me and my process at times. I really am going to write a book about this one day.
Other layers include....
4. My Private Process
It's not easy carrying all that weight around on your own shoulders and rarely being able to unload it.
5. My Public Process
That would be my current state. I don't know what to say about this yet.
6. Dating Someone New (HIM)
As far as I know, that hasn't happened yet. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. But it's out of my control.
7. Dating Someone New (ME)
This also hasn't happened yet. But now that I know how much I'm worth and how someone who is serious about me and feels strongly for me should treat me, I feel much more equipped for whoever I allow to date me next.
8. Friends
It's funny how my friends' reactions to the BU and MC change based on my attitude. It used to be a regular topic of conversation. Now that I've vowed not to talk about it much, neither do they. I have some great friends. I think they'll be ecstatic when my turn finally comes for the "right" relationship. Yes, they sometimes make things more difficult for me, but I know it's out of love.
I'm sure there are other layers, but maybe they'll come up later.
Breaking the Silence
I'm fairly certain that no one reads this thing anymore. But that's fine. I'm mostly blogging again because I enjoy writing and I think it may be helpful for me to get some thoughts out. And if people are reading this, it's ok because I don't plan on sharing any deep, dark secrets.
On July 27th, 2009, Mark and I broke up. Well, to be honest, he broke up with me. And, WOW, what a process the break up has been.
[Don't worry, I won't be saying slanderous things about MC on the internet. As a matter of fact, I won't say anything that he doesn't already know.]
To be even more honest, I probably should have been the one to end the relationship. I thought about it several times last summer. But I saw so much potential in me...in him...in us. I loved him and I have a hard time letting go of things that I love. But the truth is that it wasn't working. On my end, I was having to fight for things that you shouldn't have to in a relationship (examples: date night, someone to care about my safety when I didn't have a car for 3 months, my birthday party). Near the end I realized that all those things were because he just didn't feel as deeply for me as I did for him. If you think someone is the best thing since Mrs. Fields cookies, you're willing to do anything for them. He didn't feel that way about me and I deserve to be w/ someone who does.
On his end, he was dealing with issues of why he didn't love me to pieces. While he didn't share those things on the night we broke up, he did reveal them (in painful detail) to me in an email a few weeks ago. So it seems like we were both coming to the same conclusion in July. He just got there faster than me.
Since then, the break up process has been.....difficult (to put it mildly). Even though I knew it wasn't working for both of us, I blamed myself for the break up. I was depressed for awhile. And, unfortunately, I didn't have the luxury of never seeing this guy again. I go to church w/ him. We're both in leadership in the Music Ministry. I had to see him ALL THE TIME. So, I pulled myself together for church (I clean up pretty well these days) and vowed that in public no one would have any reason to feel sorry for me. I didn't even tell people that he "dumped" me. I was even NICE to him. Of course, that wasn't super hard because we're still "friends" and I was only angry at him for about 10 seconds.
I'm actually thinking of writing a book about how to practically go thru a break up when you can't delete the other person from your life. Well, I should say when you don't want to delete the other person from your life. Because, one thing I'm grateful for is that we were friends before we started dating. I knew a lot of the good and the bad before we decided to date. Because I love him as a friend and brother in Christ, I have no desire to drag his name thru the mud or return hurt for hurt.
Until now, this break up has been a private process for me. Now, I'm breaking the silence (a bit) as a sign that there's nothing for me to be ashamed of. Sometimes things just don't work out the way we want them to. And yes, that can hurt like hell. But I know that God made me out of some strong stuff and as time has passed, I've gotten stronger and stronger. Now, I'm ready to move on w/ my life. It's not because of anything he's done or said. Not because I've started dating anyone new (although, feel free to tell any of your single guy friends about how awesome I am). It's not even because I had some big "closure" experience. I just know that God has some wonderful things planned for me and if I don't decide to move forward (and actually begin to move forward), I may miss them. That is unacceptable to me. No man is worth that. So, because He makes all things new, I will follow Him forward.
On July 27th, 2009, Mark and I broke up. Well, to be honest, he broke up with me. And, WOW, what a process the break up has been.
[Don't worry, I won't be saying slanderous things about MC on the internet. As a matter of fact, I won't say anything that he doesn't already know.]
To be even more honest, I probably should have been the one to end the relationship. I thought about it several times last summer. But I saw so much potential in me...in him...in us. I loved him and I have a hard time letting go of things that I love. But the truth is that it wasn't working. On my end, I was having to fight for things that you shouldn't have to in a relationship (examples: date night, someone to care about my safety when I didn't have a car for 3 months, my birthday party). Near the end I realized that all those things were because he just didn't feel as deeply for me as I did for him. If you think someone is the best thing since Mrs. Fields cookies, you're willing to do anything for them. He didn't feel that way about me and I deserve to be w/ someone who does.
On his end, he was dealing with issues of why he didn't love me to pieces. While he didn't share those things on the night we broke up, he did reveal them (in painful detail) to me in an email a few weeks ago. So it seems like we were both coming to the same conclusion in July. He just got there faster than me.
Since then, the break up process has been.....difficult (to put it mildly). Even though I knew it wasn't working for both of us, I blamed myself for the break up. I was depressed for awhile. And, unfortunately, I didn't have the luxury of never seeing this guy again. I go to church w/ him. We're both in leadership in the Music Ministry. I had to see him ALL THE TIME. So, I pulled myself together for church (I clean up pretty well these days) and vowed that in public no one would have any reason to feel sorry for me. I didn't even tell people that he "dumped" me. I was even NICE to him. Of course, that wasn't super hard because we're still "friends" and I was only angry at him for about 10 seconds.
I'm actually thinking of writing a book about how to practically go thru a break up when you can't delete the other person from your life. Well, I should say when you don't want to delete the other person from your life. Because, one thing I'm grateful for is that we were friends before we started dating. I knew a lot of the good and the bad before we decided to date. Because I love him as a friend and brother in Christ, I have no desire to drag his name thru the mud or return hurt for hurt.
Until now, this break up has been a private process for me. Now, I'm breaking the silence (a bit) as a sign that there's nothing for me to be ashamed of. Sometimes things just don't work out the way we want them to. And yes, that can hurt like hell. But I know that God made me out of some strong stuff and as time has passed, I've gotten stronger and stronger. Now, I'm ready to move on w/ my life. It's not because of anything he's done or said. Not because I've started dating anyone new (although, feel free to tell any of your single guy friends about how awesome I am). It's not even because I had some big "closure" experience. I just know that God has some wonderful things planned for me and if I don't decide to move forward (and actually begin to move forward), I may miss them. That is unacceptable to me. No man is worth that. So, because He makes all things new, I will follow Him forward.
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