Hope Deferred

This has been a tough season for me.  I guess it all started when I realized that I'd experienced a whole host of disappointments.  Let downs at work, in my friendships, with my music, in romantic relationships and in my finances.  As a matter of fact, if I compared the disappointments to the things I'd wanted that I actually got, the former outweighed the latter.  That sucks!

So what did I do?  I turned to God, of course.  "Um, Sir, this doesn't feel good.  I thought that if I prayed and hoped, my odds would increase."  Then, I got sad...and frustrated...and confused.

Recently someone told me that when your soul (emotions, thoughts, etc.) is a mess sometimes that mess can spill over into your spirit and affect your relationship w/ God.  That's where things were headed w/ me.  I was sad and didn't understand why things weren't working out the way I prayed for and hoped they would.  But I knew that "hope deferred makes the heart sick" and my heart was definitely sick.  I cried a lot.  Tears were always just under the surface waiting to spill out.

What's the point of hope, I asked, if you have no control over the outcome anyway?

What does hope even mean?

I was tempted to swear to my own hurt that from now on I'd keep my expectations low so that when things didn't work out in the future, I wouldn't fall as far.

But what kind of life is that?  If hope has an impact on our soul (emotions, thoughts, attitudes, etc.), then it must be a good thing.  If there are scriptures that instruct us to put our hope in God, there must be a purpose for it.  Hope makes way for joy and a joyless life is not a life I want to live.

Now, I still don't have all of the answers.  But I've gotten to the point where I've accepted where I am and processed my feelings.  My constant prayer is that God infuses me with hope.  I can't conjure it up and I don't have the energy to fake it.  What I can do is speak life and positive things (instead of speaking low expectations) and I can try to find the joy in every situation.

Trained Impatience

I'm not very good at waiting.  I've known for awhile.  But I just chalked it up to being an impatient process-rusher.  However, I've come to realize that the explanation runs a little deeper than that.

In 7th grade, I joined a group called Leadership in my Junior High School.  We planned the student events at the school, ran the Student Store and organized class elections.  It was there that I first started to recognize and cultivate my leadership skills.  I began to practice event planning and public speaking.  And I was good at it.

I continued to be involved in Leadership throughout Junior High and High School.  I even branched out to leadership in other things that I was involved in.  My resume was pretty impressive:

- JV Soccer Captain

- Yearbook Staff (sophomore and junior years)

- Editor of the Yearbook (senior year)

- Junior class VP (or maybe it was secretary...I don't remember for sure)

- Student Body President (senior year)

- AP classes my Junior and Senior years

- Varsity Soccer my Junior and Senior years

- Participated in the National Teen Leadership Program every summer (and got my school to pay for 10 students to come 1 summer)

Anyways....All that to say that I was well trained and putting my leadership skills into action.

One of the things leaders learn to do is get things done efficiently, under budget and before the deadline.

What does any of this have to do w/ not being patient, you ask?

Well, I was trained to do things well in the shortest amount of time possible.  So, it makes sense now that long processes make me antsy and uncomfortable.  And when I'm not in control of the timing of things, you can imagine how much more itchy my fingers get to make things go faster.

But God is teaching me how to follow His leadership and wait on His timing.  While I'm no longer a process-rusher, intervening in things to get things done in my timing, I'm still waiting on waiting cheerfully for God to do His thing.  I'm getting better at it.  But I'm still a work in progress.

Not the Same Person

On Friday, I decided that I needed to get away, relax, do something different and get some final 2011 reflection time in.  I decided to go to Solvang - about 2 hours away from the Valley.  I chose Solvang because I knew I wouldn't get distracted there by shopping malls or outlets and because there's a park there where I could think in peace.  I also chose Solvang because I went there 2 and a half years ago w/ Candiss and there was something symbolic about going again this year.

In 2009, when I first went to Solvang, I was in a very emotional broken state.  I lost a lot in 2009 (unaffectionately named, Hurricane 2009) and the pain was very fresh when we visited this random Danish themed town.

The Santa Ines Mission is in Solvang.  It's one of the missions that was built under the leadership of Father Junipero Serra.  Now, I'm not a catholic, but the significance of the stations of the cross was not lost on me. I was reminded then that I wasn't alone.  That I had a Saviour who cares so much for me that He suffered for me.  Then, I sat on a bench and cried.  I was so hurt and broken and unsure of when things would get better.

Thankfully, life is SO much better now.  I've gone through the healing process and I'm not the same person that I was in 2009 when I first went to that mission.  So I thought it would be symbolic to go back and I did.  I walked through the stations of the cross in awe.  I found the bench that I sat on.  Only this time, I had a smile on my face and joy in my whole body.

I ended 2011 with a grateful heart.

Tis the Season to...Bake! Yum!

It's nearing Christmas and I'm in the mood to bake yummy desserts.  Yesterday, it was Cinnamon Sugar Butter Cookies (as the Mrs. Field's recipe calls them, but others mistake them for Snickerdoodles).  Today it's Apple Pie.  This weekend, I think I'll make Mexican Wedding Cookies for a potluck I'm going to as well as another apple pie (my coworkers killed the one I brought today).  :-)

For some reason, I've always loved baking.  It's something that I'm looking forward to doing w/ my kids.  I want to be the mom that ALWAYS has baked goods for the kids to come home to, for them to share w/ their friends who come to visit.  I want to be the mom that sits down w/ Little Dionna w/ milk, a cupcake and fruit (gotta encourage good habits) at the end of a school day and listens to her share everything that happened that day.  I want to be the mom that's at all of Little (enter Husband's name here)'s soccer/basketball/lacrosse games cheering on the sidelines and ready to provide a congratulatory or consoling hug afterwards.  I want to be a very hands on parent that doesn't pretend to have all of the answers, but is willing to experience new things with my kids, be their #1 fan, but still put the fear of God in them so that they don't act a fool.  :-)

Does anyone else ever think about the type of parent they'll be?  Or is it just me? 

Tis the Season to...Reflect

As the end of the year draws near, I'm beginning to reflect more and more on the things that happened, the things that stood out, my high points and the low points of 2011.

2009 started off good, but ended up being a disaster.

I spent 2010 working through the damage caused by Hurricane 2009.

It's wonderful to report that 2011 was the turnaround year.

I'm thankful for the new friendships I've formed this year with some pretty fantastic people.  After much prayer, I've gained clarity and truth with regards to lies I was believing about things that have happened in the past.  Furthermore, I've grown in leadership skills in ministry and at work.


2011 brought new visions, new relationships, new family members and new babies to spoil.  I've gained favor at work and I have a new perspective on my gifts and how God wants to use them.

The high points of 2011 involve a menagerie of events and experiences:

• Laser tag w/ 6 grown women who I have the privilege of doing ministry with
• Being at the hospital when my niece was born
• Singing He Loves Us at Jamfast (one of the few singing opportunities I had this year)
• Turning 27!!!! (You know I had to throw my favorite day of the year on there) :-)

The lowest point I can remember is being hurt by a friend, who thought he was being funny, saying some pretty unkind things to me.

Now, as I look forward to 2012, I can already tell it will be a year of celebration.  I'll be attending 4 (maybe 5) weddings (2 of which, I'm in).  Brooklyn will turn a year old in March.  And I have a feeling there will be several more exciting transitions happening in 2012 regarding work, friendships and music.  Stay tuned!

3 more weeks left of 2011.  Don't let them go without taking some time to think about all that you learned this year.

Gracias!!!!

Thanksgiving was yesterday and I'm enjoying my time w/ my family, good food and relaxation.

This year has been a whirlwind of a year w/ each month bringing some new surprise or development.  But, with all of the craziness that 2011 brought, I'm still grateful for a lot of things: (in no particular order)

My niece - She's the cutest, sweetest little thing and I'm going to enjoy being the aunt (slash god mommy) that spoils her and then sends her home to her parents.  When she gets older, I'm looking forward to baking w/ her, shopping w/ her and singing songs w/ her in the car.  Until then, I'll settle for lots of hugs and kisses and rounds of Itsy Bitsy Spider.

My family - The never cease to love and support each other.  It's an awesome example of unconditional love.

A job - In this economy, having a steady paycheck is definitely something to thank God for everyday.

A sense of purpose - I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have a clue about what I was put on this earth to do.  And even though I don't know all of The Plan, I'm grateful for what God has revealed to me so far.  It helps to guide my decisions and definitely keeps life interesting.

AWESOMAZING friends -  It's true that as we get older, we have fewer and fewer close friends.  The ones that I have are great!  I'm thankful for people are willing to listen, give advice, offer truth, laugh, eat and encourage.

Those are just a few things I'm grateful for this year.  And if the last few months are any indication of what's coming, then 2012 is going to be very exciting and there'll be plenty more to be thankful for. 

Tis the season...To Watch TV

Recently, I realized how much TV I actually watch right now.  The number of shows is pretty shameful.  So I won't go there.  But, I hope it suffices to say that it's too much and I should be doing other things with my time.

HOWEVER, because I've put in the time, I do feel fairly qualified to recommend some of the new shows that I'm watching.  So here goes:

Up All Night - I love Christina Applegate.  She and Mya Rudolph together are a treat.  It's really funny.  Wednesday nights on NBC.

New Girl - Not your average comedy and I think you'll need to be a certain type of person to like this one.  But I can't get enough.  Zooey Deschanel is this very quirky (okay, weird) girl living w/ 3 men, who love her and can't stand her all at the same time.  Most of the humor is in how they all interact w/ each other.  Give it a try.  Tuesday nights on FOX.

Last Man Standing - Tim Allen is back, y'all.  Now he's raising 3 years.  He's totally a man's man, working in a pretty male chauvanistic company.  But he's surrounded by women at home.  I don't think the show has found it's sweet spot completely yet.  But it's definitely getting there.  Tuesdays on ABC.

That's all for now.  If I give you any more, you might start to think that I'm a sad soul who has a flat screen square box as a bff.

Tis the Season

Hello November!

The hard part about committing to blog again is that I actually have to update the blog regularly.  LOL!  Okay.  Here we go.

It's the beginning of November and anyone who knows me well knows what I'm getting excited about...Christmas!  I LOVE the holiday.  I also love the season.  The weather gets chilly (off and on in LA), sweaters come out, holiday music begins to play, mugs of hot apple cider get passed around and trees and houses are decorated with sparkly, twinkly lights.  And people are friendlier too!  Imagine if people actually realized the true meaning for Christmas (i.e. Jesus).  It would be downright magical!

To be completely honest, in addition to being excited about celebrating Jesus' birth, I actually think the holiday season is romantic.  Imagine you are with the one you love (or are interested in).  You're having a great time (as usual).  But there's something about the atmosphere that charges the air more than normal.  As the 2 of you laugh and talk, you are both illuminated by the light that hundreds of colorful, tiny Christmas lights are giving off.  There's holiday music playing in the background - "This is Christmas" (by Plus One)..."Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire"..."The First Noel"..."Oh, Holy Night" (my personal favorite).  And, the icing on the cake????  A fire roaring in a fireplace nearby.  You can't tell me that's not romantic.  If you don't agree, you're dead inside.  LOL!

I LOVE the holidays!!!!!! :-)

Oh, Be Careful Little Mouth What You Say

"Oh, be careful little mouth what you say..."

I learned a lot of songs in church when I was younger.  Man, that one still rings true.  Be careful little eyes what you see.  Be careful little ears what you hear.  Be careful little mouth what you say.  I should have remembered that earlier this week when I whined that this would be the week from hell.

I came into this week knowing that I'd have 2 events at work that I was in charge of on Friday.  I knew that I was co-leading GIRL Talk on Friday night.  And I knew that I was leading our church's Harvest Festival tomorrow.  There was a lot of planning and running around left for the festival and just thinking about it all had me feeling overwhelmed.

"This is going to be the week from hell!" I groaned.

Wanna know what happened next?

I got sick.  On Tuesday I started coughing and I've been at it ever since.  This ain't no cold.  It feels like I felt when I had bronchitis in December.  Boo!

Who knows if I would have gotten sick if I hadn't said that.  What matters is how I respond.  No more whining and complaining for me.  God is still on the throne.  I'm still His child.  He's still taking care of me.  Nothing has changed in my life this weekend.  I still have to get up early tomorrow and work all day.  But I'll have a good attitude.  :-)

Getting Back on Track

Ever wonder why smart people do stupid things?

Yesterday I realized that I had made the same mistake that I made 3 years ago.  I got excited about a situation that wasn't what I thought it was.  I had gotten ahead of myself, ahead of the situation.

I don't get very outwardly excited about much.  It's one of the things about me that annoys my friends.  I don't show anger or engage in heated arguments.  I don't get giddy and jump up and down when I'm excited.  People hate that about me.  I'm not a fan of it either.  Over the last year or so, I've been working on that and showing more enthusiasm when other people share things with me.  I never want my friends to feel like I can't celebrate with them.  But for my stuff?  Ha!  I know better than that.

I learned a long time ago not to be too happy about the possibility of something happening.  More often than not, it doesn't work out and you're disappointed.  Who knows how I learned that.  But I did.  Somehow that logic spread to things that actually do happen in my life.  Something inside me says, "Don't get excited about that, Dionna.  It's not going to last."  My last long-term relationship, my album, the list goes on.  I learned how to not engage emotionally w/ even some of the good things that go on in my life (got really good at it, actually).

So, how did I mess around and get excited about something that hasn't even happened to me yet?  Must have let my guard down a little.  I don't want to become one of those cynical people who are skeptical about everything.  But I will be careful from now on.  It's important to watch and observe for awhile before engaging emotionally.  It's a very simple rule.  I'm not saying anybody else should live like this.  But it's how I plan on guarding my heart for the time being.

Hi !!!!

It's been over a year since my last post. As I read it I thought: "Wow! That was me?" Since then, I've changed a lot in small ways that are hard to point out, but are adding up.

These days, I'm surrounded by the world of Facebook, Twitter and other people's blogs. Doing all of this sharing has inspired me to write again. Uh oh! Look out world! You never know what I'm going to say these days. :-)

Update:

HOME: I'm living by myself now in a 1 bedroom apartment. I SOOOO enjoy the freedom of living on my own. I control the tv, the bills, the food, the mess. But this place is different from my last place. My apartment is on the 2nd floor and the door opens to the elements. So I can step out my front door and be outside overlooking the outdoor courtyard of the building. Because of this, I now have to be more concerned about critters and hot or cold air. Since the "hallway" is outdoor, it's not carpeted, which means you hear everything that goes by. I feel a lot less insulated and a lot more exposed in this place.

But I still enjoy living alone. I've always had roommates, so I wanted to try it out and I enjoy it. It does get lonely sometimes. But my life is busy enough that I can usually avoid that.

MUSIC: Music is still a HUGE part of my life and I'm still singing. But I haven't released my album yet. I feel really stupid about the project taking this long. But it definitely has been a learning process. You can actually purchase 3 of my songs on iTunes - Thirsty, Lord Come In and This is Who I Am. Enjoy!

I'm no longer singing regularly on my church's praise team, though. God moved me to focus on ministry to women and children. So these days I'm exploring what He wants me to do there. I miss singing regularly, though. It broke my heart to leave the team. But I still get to sing at Midweek from time to time

MUSIC I'M CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:
- Mandisa
- Sara Bareilles

Random Thought Spurts

1. Today I got a massage. It was more of an assault than a relaxing experience. I'm actually sore from this massage. That's sad.....I'd be lying if I said I'd give them a second chance and go back because I won't. But my friend was treating me to this massage, so I'm grateful. And it wasn't ALL bad.

2. I'm doing really well with my feelings about the BU. Getting stronger all of the time. God really does heal.

3. I went to a workshop today on networking. It was actually really good. I must admit that I'd always looked down on the whole concept because I equated the word w/ job hungry vultures. But it's really about building relationships for future career progression. Now, I have a lot of work to do to catch up.

4. I sang at a work event a couple of weeks ago. It's funny because I normally only sing for church, so I keep that very separate from my work life. Now, my coworkers know that I sing. I've even given one the link to my other blog. I'm still a little uncomfortable w/ those 2 parts of my life mixing. But I'm interested to see how (or if) God will use that.

5. I'm really for spring to get sprung in LA. It needs to heat up like right now. That's all.

6. Next weekend I'm off to Palm Springs on a vacation w/ my girls from high school. We haven't all seen each other since Arlene's wedding (in 2008)7 and we've NEVER done a trip like this before (although, we've talked about it for years). I'm looking forward to it because I need a break and I miss these girls. But I'm a little worried that it might be awkward because we haven't hung out as a group for so long. I'll blog about how it goes.

7. Tomorrow is Easter. Let's all remember Jesus and His passion for us.

Like an Onion

They call break ups a process for a reason. Mine had (has) several layers:

1. The Blame Game
As I mentioned before, I blamed myself for the relationship ending. Sometimes when kids' parents get divorced, they blame themselves. That's because they don't understand what happened. That's how I felt. I didn't feel like MC give me the real story when we broke up. But I also just didn't understand. "God, I prayed for this. You said yes. Why would you allow it to end like this? We loved each other, made each other laugh, had inside jokes, were attracted to each other. I don't get it." God wasn't giving me very many answers or clarity. I didn't understand, so I blamed myself. I wasn't pretty enough. I pushed him too hard. I wanted to spend too much time w/ him. I didn't wear the right clothes. I made too big of a deal about my birthday. Ridiculous, huh? SIDENOTE: Somehow, I forgot that I'd strongly considered breaking up w/ him. But strong emotions make you forget the truth sometimes.

2. The God Factor
Where was God in all of this? I did feel like God answered a prayer when we started dating. What was the point of allowing us to date for A YEAR just to break up? Plus, God was telling me some confusing things after the break up. I wouldn't dare say that God was contradicting Himself because I know He doesn't do that. But I still don't know what some of His words that he gave me after the BU mean. I do know that He took very good care of me. I got to see my family every month after the BU. He provided for me financially thru several awards from work. He put people around me to affirm me. He gave me my very own 1 Kings 19 experience and I'll never forget that.

3. MC is Still a Part of My Life.
I don't really feel like going into this right now. But I will say that he and I still talk. For some reason, I feel really comfortable telling him almost anything. But him still being around has made things complicated for me and my process at times. I really am going to write a book about this one day.


Other layers include....

4. My Private Process
It's not easy carrying all that weight around on your own shoulders and rarely being able to unload it.

5. My Public Process
That would be my current state. I don't know what to say about this yet.

6. Dating Someone New (HIM)
As far as I know, that hasn't happened yet. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. But it's out of my control.

7. Dating Someone New (ME)
This also hasn't happened yet. But now that I know how much I'm worth and how someone who is serious about me and feels strongly for me should treat me, I feel much more equipped for whoever I allow to date me next.

8. Friends
It's funny how my friends' reactions to the BU and MC change based on my attitude. It used to be a regular topic of conversation. Now that I've vowed not to talk about it much, neither do they. I have some great friends. I think they'll be ecstatic when my turn finally comes for the "right" relationship. Yes, they sometimes make things more difficult for me, but I know it's out of love.

I'm sure there are other layers, but maybe they'll come up later.

Breaking the Silence

I'm fairly certain that no one reads this thing anymore. But that's fine. I'm mostly blogging again because I enjoy writing and I think it may be helpful for me to get some thoughts out. And if people are reading this, it's ok because I don't plan on sharing any deep, dark secrets.

On July 27th, 2009, Mark and I broke up. Well, to be honest, he broke up with me. And, WOW, what a process the break up has been.

[Don't worry, I won't be saying slanderous things about MC on the internet. As a matter of fact, I won't say anything that he doesn't already know.]

To be even more honest, I probably should have been the one to end the relationship. I thought about it several times last summer. But I saw so much potential in me...in him...in us. I loved him and I have a hard time letting go of things that I love. But the truth is that it wasn't working. On my end, I was having to fight for things that you shouldn't have to in a relationship (examples: date night, someone to care about my safety when I didn't have a car for 3 months, my birthday party). Near the end I realized that all those things were because he just didn't feel as deeply for me as I did for him. If you think someone is the best thing since Mrs. Fields cookies, you're willing to do anything for them. He didn't feel that way about me and I deserve to be w/ someone who does.

On his end, he was dealing with issues of why he didn't love me to pieces. While he didn't share those things on the night we broke up, he did reveal them (in painful detail) to me in an email a few weeks ago. So it seems like we were both coming to the same conclusion in July. He just got there faster than me.

Since then, the break up process has been.....difficult (to put it mildly). Even though I knew it wasn't working for both of us, I blamed myself for the break up. I was depressed for awhile. And, unfortunately, I didn't have the luxury of never seeing this guy again. I go to church w/ him. We're both in leadership in the Music Ministry. I had to see him ALL THE TIME. So, I pulled myself together for church (I clean up pretty well these days) and vowed that in public no one would have any reason to feel sorry for me. I didn't even tell people that he "dumped" me. I was even NICE to him. Of course, that wasn't super hard because we're still "friends" and I was only angry at him for about 10 seconds.

I'm actually thinking of writing a book about how to practically go thru a break up when you can't delete the other person from your life. Well, I should say when you don't want to delete the other person from your life. Because, one thing I'm grateful for is that we were friends before we started dating. I knew a lot of the good and the bad before we decided to date. Because I love him as a friend and brother in Christ, I have no desire to drag his name thru the mud or return hurt for hurt.

Until now, this break up has been a private process for me. Now, I'm breaking the silence (a bit) as a sign that there's nothing for me to be ashamed of. Sometimes things just don't work out the way we want them to. And yes, that can hurt like hell. But I know that God made me out of some strong stuff and as time has passed, I've gotten stronger and stronger. Now, I'm ready to move on w/ my life. It's not because of anything he's done or said. Not because I've started dating anyone new (although, feel free to tell any of your single guy friends about how awesome I am). It's not even because I had some big "closure" experience. I just know that God has some wonderful things planned for me and if I don't decide to move forward (and actually begin to move forward), I may miss them. That is unacceptable to me. No man is worth that. So, because He makes all things new, I will follow Him forward.

Tired

I feel like my life was taking apart this weekend, pieces were used, and then not put back together again properly.

I feel like the weekend took more out of me than it gave back.

In other words, I'm tired.

I blame the heat, the roller coaster of emotions, church, heavy food and the HEAT!

Just needed to express that....

These steps you do not walk alone

A few weeks ago, I went to Solvang, CA with a friend of mine. There is a mission in Solvang, the Santa Inez Mission, and we decided to check it out. One section of the mission is an enclosed pathway with crosses on either side, each with a depiction of a portion of Jesus' journey to the cross, His death, His burial and His resurrection. There was a gate at the start of the path with a plaque that said the following:

"These 14 steps you are now about to walk
you do not walk alone.
I walk with you.
My way of the cross 2000 years ago
and your "way" now are also one."

Wow...I was almost moved to tears.

As I walked down the path looking at the story of Jesus' death, I couldn't help but think about my own current struggles and circumstances - not to compare them, but because they are as real as Jesus' journey.

My problems didn't go away on that path. My pain did not go away. I was still sad about my situation and wished/hoped/prayed for something to change. But I was comforted by 1 thing: I wasn't alone. Jesus' journey to the cross was for me. So that I can now have a relationship with Him. So that I don't have to go through my problems, successes, triumphs and fears alone.

Realizing this as I walked the path of history thru His journey to the cross, His death, His burial and His resurrection brought me closer to Him.

Afterwards, I sat on a bench (knowing He was right there with me) and I cried.

Out of Eden

Okay, so they don't actually record anymore, but Out of Eden is awesome! 3 sisters from Tennessee. You can practically watch them grow up by listening to the albums.

If you're looking for a new (to you) Christian group to get into, check them out. My favorite OOE albums are No Turning Back and Hymns. I've been listening to them since I was a preteen.

Check them out:

Tuesday

Tuesday night seems to be errand night in my building. This Tuesday, I dub myself Queen of the Night. I picked up my dry cleaning, got my hair done, washed clothes and went to Target and got a wedding gift (among other things cuz you always get more than you planned for at Target).

Despite the title, I'm not 100% committed to my Tuesday night destiny.

Even though it didn't last long enough to become a tradition, I still think of Tuesday night as Date Night and I'm still getting used to the shift.

Gotta be a Joke.....right?

Disclaimer: With my most recent blog entries, I'm not intending to spread my business all over the World Wide Web. I'm not looking for sympathy or encouragement. But it does help me to write as an outlet. And maybe, just maybe, someone will read this and know that they are not alone.

-----

Yesterday, I had to shake my head and say, "My life is starting to sound like a joke."

Ever have one of those weeks?

Monday - lost your job
Tuesday - broke your tooth
Wednesday - $0 in the bank (and 4 bills due)
Thursday - got in a fight w/ your roommate
Friday - got food poisoning

Does it even matter what happened on Saturday and Sunday?

The repetition of...BAD...makes you want to say, "Really? Seriously?" And it might be a little funny (not haha funny, of course), if it weren't your life.

That's kinda how I feel. Not as bad as above, but definitely one negative circumstance after another. I looked up yesterday and I had a smashed finger, a boring staycation in front of me, still recovering from surgery, a few hopes dashed AND I'm a Bonnie Raitt song (among a list of other disasters)! I don't expect you to understand anything that I'm rambling about. But, I will say that if I had a better sense of humor, I might submit my story to FML.

I probably sound bitter, huh? I actually am not. I'm not angry at anyone. God and I are good. I'm not making plans to never love/trust/eat/leave my apartment again.

I also know that I'm not bitter because I'm still looking for a reason to hope. The best I can come up with is: It has to get better. I know it sounds vague, but it's all I have right now.

Here's the current prayer of my heart:

Dear God,

I don't understand your plan. I don't like what I see around me right now. I don't enjoy how I'm feeling. But I know you have a plan. So, I won't pray for anything specific right now because I can't bear to hear "no" and I don't believe that I have the clearest vision at the moment anyway. But I will pray that you will make it better, make life better. All I'm hoping for is better and I know you can do it.

In Jesus' name I pray,

Amen.

Syncing Up

Ever feel like you and God just aren't on the same page? I do.

I keep asking Him for things and He keeps giving me other things. I'm like, "No, I didn't ask for that." In some cases, He's given me the opposite of what I asked for. Makes you wonder, "Does He really hear me?"

Please don't feel sorry for me. I can do that all by myself...lol...and I do sometimes.

I just wonder, when are we going to sync up (like your iPod w/ your computer)? I understand that He has a plan for me. I know that He loves me more than I'll ever understand. I know He knows what's best and He has a better perspective than I do. But I'm afraid that I'll get to a point where I'll stop asking for things because I'm afraid of what will happen. Who wants to get there? Then, the Bible says, "You have not because you ask not." Well, I'm asking and I still don't have.

I've been a Christian for a long time and this one still stumps me.

Just some thoughts.