Monday, August 31, 2009

Tired

I feel like my life was taking apart this weekend, pieces were used, and then not put back together again properly.

I feel like the weekend took more out of me than it gave back.

In other words, I'm tired.

I blame the heat, the roller coaster of emotions, church, heavy food and the HEAT!

Just needed to express that....

Monday, August 24, 2009

These steps you do not walk alone

A few weeks ago, I went to Solvang, CA with a friend of mine. There is a mission in Solvang, the Santa Inez Mission, and we decided to check it out. One section of the mission is an enclosed pathway with crosses on either side, each with a depiction of a portion of Jesus' journey to the cross, His death, His burial and His resurrection. There was a gate at the start of the path with a plaque that said the following:

"These 14 steps you are now about to walk
you do not walk alone.
I walk with you.
My way of the cross 2000 years ago
and your "way" now are also one."


Wow...I was almost moved to tears.

As I walked down the path looking at the story of Jesus' death, I couldn't help but think about my own current struggles and circumstances - not to compare them, but because they are as real as Jesus' journey.

My problems didn't go away on that path. My pain did not go away. I was still sad about my situation and wished/hoped/prayed for something to change. But I was comforted by 1 thing: I wasn't alone. Jesus' journey to the cross was for me. So that I can now have a relationship with Him. So that I don't have to go through my problems, successes, triumphs and fears alone.

Realizing this as I walked the path of history thru His journey to the cross, His death, His burial and His resurrection brought me closer to Him.

Afterwards, I sat on a bench (knowing He was right there with me) and I cried.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Out of Eden

Okay, so they don't actually record anymore, but Out of Eden is awesome! 3 sisters from Tennessee. You can practically watch them grow up by listening to the albums.

If you're looking for a new (to you) Christian group to get into, check them out. My favorite OOE albums are No Turning Back and Hymns. I've been listening to them since I was a preteen.

Check them out:


Tuesday

Tuesday night seems to be errand night in my building. This Tuesday, I dub myself Queen of the Night. I picked up my dry cleaning, got my hair done, washed clothes and went to Target and got a wedding gift (among other things cuz you always get more than you planned for at Target).

Despite the title, I'm not 100% committed to my Tuesday night destiny.

Even though it didn't last long enough to become a tradition, I still think of Tuesday night as Date Night and I'm still getting used to the shift.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Gotta be a Joke.....right?

Disclaimer: With my most recent blog entries, I'm not intending to spread my business all over the World Wide Web. I'm not looking for sympathy or encouragement. But it does help me to write as an outlet. And maybe, just maybe, someone will read this and know that they are not alone.

-----

Yesterday, I had to shake my head and say, "My life is starting to sound like a joke."


Ever have one of those weeks?

Monday - lost your job
Tuesday - broke your tooth
Wednesday - $0 in the bank (and 4 bills due)
Thursday - got in a fight w/ your roommate
Friday - got food poisoning

Does it even matter what happened on Saturday and Sunday?

The repetition of...BAD...makes you want to say, "Really? Seriously?" And it might be a little funny (not haha funny, of course), if it weren't your life.

That's kinda how I feel. Not as bad as above, but definitely one negative circumstance after another. I looked up yesterday and I had a smashed finger, a boring staycation in front of me, still recovering from surgery, a few hopes dashed AND I'm a Bonnie Raitt song (among a list of other disasters)! I don't expect you to understand anything that I'm rambling about. But, I will say that if I had a better sense of humor, I might submit my story to FML.

I probably sound bitter, huh? I actually am not. I'm not angry at anyone. God and I are good. I'm not making plans to never love/trust/eat/leave my apartment again.

I also know that I'm not bitter because I'm still looking for a reason to hope. The best I can come up with is: It has to get better. I know it sounds vague, but it's all I have right now.

Here's the current prayer of my heart:

Dear God,

I don't understand your plan. I don't like what I see around me right now. I don't enjoy how I'm feeling. But I know you have a plan. So, I won't pray for anything specific right now because I can't bear to hear "no" and I don't believe that I have the clearest vision at the moment anyway. But I will pray that you will make it better, make life better. All I'm hoping for is better and I know you can do it.

In Jesus' name I pray,

Amen.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Syncing Up

Ever feel like you and God just aren't on the same page? I do.

I keep asking Him for things and He keeps giving me other things. I'm like, "No, I didn't ask for that." In some cases, He's given me the opposite of what I asked for. Makes you wonder, "Does He really hear me?"

Please don't feel sorry for me. I can do that all by myself...lol...and I do sometimes.

I just wonder, when are we going to sync up (like your iPod w/ your computer)? I understand that He has a plan for me. I know that He loves me more than I'll ever understand. I know He knows what's best and He has a better perspective than I do. But I'm afraid that I'll get to a point where I'll stop asking for things because I'm afraid of what will happen. Who wants to get there? Then, the Bible says, "You have not because you ask not." Well, I'm asking and I still don't have.

I've been a Christian for a long time and this one still stumps me.

Just some thoughts.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Memo to Women

[originally posted to my Facebook Notes 3-26-2009]
[Please note: This has nothing to do w/ music or Jesus or anything. Just rambling about something that bothered me that day]

Dear Ladies,

First of all, I love you. I think women are awesome and full of gifts and talents that are unique to females. I'm proud to be a woman and enjoy being one (with the exception of a couple days out of each month…lol). Know that everything that is to follow is from a place of love and protection of other women.

Women…..

I implore you - Stop creating awkward situations for other women. I know you're trying to be helpful, but I think the clinical term is actually "meddling."

Last night, 2 phenomenal women were talking to my boyfriend and asked him a question about his feelings toward a topic. Apparently, his answer wasn't to their liking and they thought I should know. [They didn't know I already knew his opinion.] MISTAKE. If you know my bf, you know that telling on him to me is not a good idea (esp. right in front of him) and he got a little "excited". THANK YOU, LADIES, FOR CREATING A POTENTIALLY AWKWARD SITUATION FOR ME THERE. Because I was thrown off by the whole situation, I didn't have the wherewithall to come up w/ a witty retort to extinguish the charged atmosphere. PLUS, the topic was one that I'm not settled about. They were trying to figure out if me and Boo are on the same page and I don't even know what page I'm on. I had nothing intelligent to say. One can only imagine the stammering and talking in circles that I did for a good 5 minutes before the subject was changed. And what were they going to do if my opinion was the complete opposite of his? Offer counseling?

Thankfully, Muffin Biscuit and I don't let other people stir up trouble in our relationship, so we're cool and we feel no tension at all. But it could have been worse.

Ladies Worldwide - I love you dearly and I know you only want to help. But sometimes helping means staying out of it. By getting involved WE could become the butterfly flapping its wings that causes a tidal wave in Asia.

Sincerely,
Trying to Avoid Awkward

Being Incarnational

[originally posted on my Facebook Notes 3-25-2009]

Incarnational.

It's a word that we hear referring to ministry and relating cross-culturally all the time in some circles. But, for those of us who haven't heard much about it, incarnational living means that you are doing life with another person or group of people as a way of ministering to them about Jesus. If you want to minister to young people, you hang out where they hang out, you coach a youth basketball team, etc. If you want to minister cross-culturally, you go with someone of another ethnic background to experience their family traditions.

Basically, you enter the life, the shoes and the experiences of someone else so that you can learn the best way of showing them who Jesus is.

As a matter of fact, Jesus is the best example of incarnational ministry. He stepped out of His place next to our Father in heaven and joined us on earth. He became one of us so that He could develop relationship w/ us and show us who God is and how God wants us to live.

Oh yeah - Jesus died for us too. So, living incarnationally is going to involve some sacrifice, pain and hard work as well.

Why am I writing about this?

Well, I've been thinking about my relationships and how I can improve them. And I think that I can adopt the practice of living incarnationally to help me love and understand others better.

For example: If I want to understand why my brother in Christ loves the opera so much, I can go to the opera w/ him. Normally, I might dismiss the opera as boring. But if I go w/ him, I can start to understand why he likes it so much and we'll have that experience together to add to our relationship.

I think being more incarnational will help in a bunch of my relationships. Can you imagine what would happen if people started stepping out of their comfort zones and stepping into someone else's word? My theory is that we'd learn how to love each other in a way that reflects Jesus more than we have in the past. The "least of these" might not be so hard to love and we'd hear "I just don't understand you!" a lot less often.

Easy? Definitely not. Worth it? Ask Jesus.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

BarlowGirl

Hey All,

In an effort to adhere to the original purpose of this blog, I'd like to introduce some of you to BarlowGirl. They are a group of 3 sisters who have a Christian band. I'd consider their style of music Contemporary Christian Rock (CCR). I'm loving this song.



Lyrics:
I waited for You today
But You didn't show
No.No.No
I needed You today
So where did you go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

[Chorus:]
I cry out with no reply and
I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone.

And though I cannot see You
and I can't explain why
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/sAt ]
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life oh
We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
and though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

[Chorus:]
I cry out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

We cannot separate
You're part of me
and though You're invisible
I trust the unseen

[Chorus:]
I cry out with no reply
and I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

Monday, February 9, 2009

My Daily Declaration

I will run the race in such a way that I receive the prize
I will run w/ certainty and purpose
I will fight
I will discipline my body and bring it under subjection
I will not be disqualified.
For I am more than a conqueror

Monday, January 19, 2009

Love

Note: Don't worry. This is not some sappy blog about romance.

I love God. I do. Everyday I learn more about what that means. But right now I know that every new thing I learn about Him, I love. I wouldn't want to live without Him in my life. Yes, I get frustrated and angry (shocking, I know) at Him sometimes. We all do, right? But I know that even when it's hard to talk to Him or when I don't feel worthy or when I'm frustrated, I still love Him.

That's the nature of agape love. Love that is unconditional. Love in spite of the circumstances.

I love my parents. Oh yes, they've made me angry and confused and sad and frustrated. But I love them. I understand that they are human and will make mistakes and I don't punish them for that. So I will always love them. Even the times I was most angry or annoyed at them (which I can't remember, of course), I still loved them.

True love does not go away when things get hard.

I love Candiss and Arlene. Both of them will tell you that my friendships w/ them have not always been sunshine and walks in the park. I've fought and cried with both of them. Neither of them are the same as me and I love that. They are so deeply embedded in my life that I couldn't stop loving them if I tried.

What am I getting at? A definition of love. What does it mean when I say, "I love you"? I'm learning that those 3 little words mean different things to different people, but there has to be some common thread, right?

I love you:
- I want what's best for you.
- I'd rather live w/ your flaws than live w/o you
- I enjoy being around you
- You make me smile and I like to make you smile
- I feel your joy and your pain when you feel them.
- I would die for you ("...darlin if you want me to..." - sorry...couldn't resist)
- I accept you as you are
- And I feel this way even when times are hard, when I'm angry at you and even when you've hurt me.

We don't always feel all of these things Day 1 in a friendship, romantic relationship, with our families or even with God. But, I believe that we can get there and surpass that definition. Yes, it takes time. Yes, your love for someone can grow over time. And, I believe that this is the love modelled for us by God - not romance novels and not the movies.

I love God. I love my parents. I love Candiss and Arlene. The list goes on.

And I believe that my husband will love me like this one day (and then some). Why not? I'm worth it. I'm not crazy for wanting this. Who just wants philios or eros? They're awesome. But if you add agape to those, you've got the recipe for AWESOMAZING!

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails...And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

What are your thoughts? What's your definition of "I love you"?

Friday, January 9, 2009

Another List (and stuff)

Things I'm Learning About Myself & Stuff
(I think adding "and stuff" to any sentence displays a level of sophistication and class...lol...maybe a low level)
2009 is under way and I'm already feeling in need of a vaca [I've started shortening everything...try it! It's fun!]. Maybe I just feel like that cuz [and I don't speak proper English anymore] I've been sick for most of the new year. Don't worry, just had a cold. But I wasn't resting enough, so I've felt run down and tired a lot. I will fix that this weekend by sleeping & lounging around as much as possible.
Anyways, despite the fact that I've been under the weather and an all-around unexciting person this past week or so, I've been learning and experiencing some things. So, in the spirit of updating this blog more often and just cuz I want to, I will share.
1. I can be assertive! I've been accused of being on the more passive side and, while I just call it extremely low maintainence, I've been trying to work on that. I think my problem in confronting certain issues has been that I didn't know how to assert myself w/o being mean (read the "Jerk" blogs of early 2008). But this week, I was able to address an issue w/o being an awful person. Someone was asking me to do something and I needed to think about the answer before I responded to her via email. But she kept following up w/ me everyday asking "Did you get my email? What do you say?". That was starting to bother me (the same person had done it to me before) and making me not want to answer at all. So I confronted her and I wasn't evil. I was honest and direct. I'm learning that I can be assertive w/o being agressive. Yay for growth!
2. This patience thing isn't too bad...sometimes. Actually, I've learned over the past couple months (in a couple of areas) that patience can be a strategy. For example, when you're buying a car, it's not a good idea to buy the 1st car you see at the 1st lot you go to. And even after a dealer quotes a price, if you're patient, sometimes they will lower it. Try patience as a strategy (please use wisdom w/ this) and see that sometimes it can be fun.
[Warning: Your bills will not go away by you being patient and not paying them. Don't be silly!]
3. I can save gas by not going to work once a week. I'm being funny...kinda...But I'm really not. I filled up my tank on Monday night. I called in sick on Tuesday (I really was sick) & only drove to the grocery store around the corner from my house. On Wednesday, I went to work & came home only. On Thursday, I went to work & went home. Now, it's Friday and I drove to work this morning. Normally, I would have about half a tank of gas left or less. But I've only used 1/4 of a tank this week. What? How is that possible? [maybe no midweek service & riding to the music ministry meeting w/ Terri had something to do w/ it, but we'll pretend it doesn't] My only conclusion can be that missing work on Tuesday was not only good for my health (and the health of my coworkers), it was also good for my gas tank and my bank account. Health, gas tank and bank account - a great 3-part harmony. Test that theory out sometime and see. Maybe, if enough of us do it, they (the powers that be...under God) will shorten the work week to 4 days in this recession.
I know, I'm crazy. But you love me anyway!