Hope Deferred

This has been a tough season for me.  I guess it all started when I realized that I'd experienced a whole host of disappointments.  Let downs at work, in my friendships, with my music, in romantic relationships and in my finances.  As a matter of fact, if I compared the disappointments to the things I'd wanted that I actually got, the former outweighed the latter.  That sucks!

So what did I do?  I turned to God, of course.  "Um, Sir, this doesn't feel good.  I thought that if I prayed and hoped, my odds would increase."  Then, I got sad...and frustrated...and confused.

Recently someone told me that when your soul (emotions, thoughts, etc.) is a mess sometimes that mess can spill over into your spirit and affect your relationship w/ God.  That's where things were headed w/ me.  I was sad and didn't understand why things weren't working out the way I prayed for and hoped they would.  But I knew that "hope deferred makes the heart sick" and my heart was definitely sick.  I cried a lot.  Tears were always just under the surface waiting to spill out.

What's the point of hope, I asked, if you have no control over the outcome anyway?

What does hope even mean?

I was tempted to swear to my own hurt that from now on I'd keep my expectations low so that when things didn't work out in the future, I wouldn't fall as far.

But what kind of life is that?  If hope has an impact on our soul (emotions, thoughts, attitudes, etc.), then it must be a good thing.  If there are scriptures that instruct us to put our hope in God, there must be a purpose for it.  Hope makes way for joy and a joyless life is not a life I want to live.

Now, I still don't have all of the answers.  But I've gotten to the point where I've accepted where I am and processed my feelings.  My constant prayer is that God infuses me with hope.  I can't conjure it up and I don't have the energy to fake it.  What I can do is speak life and positive things (instead of speaking low expectations) and I can try to find the joy in every situation.

Trained Impatience

I'm not very good at waiting.  I've known for awhile.  But I just chalked it up to being an impatient process-rusher.  However, I've come to realize that the explanation runs a little deeper than that.

In 7th grade, I joined a group called Leadership in my Junior High School.  We planned the student events at the school, ran the Student Store and organized class elections.  It was there that I first started to recognize and cultivate my leadership skills.  I began to practice event planning and public speaking.  And I was good at it.

I continued to be involved in Leadership throughout Junior High and High School.  I even branched out to leadership in other things that I was involved in.  My resume was pretty impressive:

- JV Soccer Captain

- Yearbook Staff (sophomore and junior years)

- Editor of the Yearbook (senior year)

- Junior class VP (or maybe it was secretary...I don't remember for sure)

- Student Body President (senior year)

- AP classes my Junior and Senior years

- Varsity Soccer my Junior and Senior years

- Participated in the National Teen Leadership Program every summer (and got my school to pay for 10 students to come 1 summer)

Anyways....All that to say that I was well trained and putting my leadership skills into action.

One of the things leaders learn to do is get things done efficiently, under budget and before the deadline.

What does any of this have to do w/ not being patient, you ask?

Well, I was trained to do things well in the shortest amount of time possible.  So, it makes sense now that long processes make me antsy and uncomfortable.  And when I'm not in control of the timing of things, you can imagine how much more itchy my fingers get to make things go faster.

But God is teaching me how to follow His leadership and wait on His timing.  While I'm no longer a process-rusher, intervening in things to get things done in my timing, I'm still waiting on waiting cheerfully for God to do His thing.  I'm getting better at it.  But I'm still a work in progress.

Not the Same Person

On Friday, I decided that I needed to get away, relax, do something different and get some final 2011 reflection time in.  I decided to go to Solvang - about 2 hours away from the Valley.  I chose Solvang because I knew I wouldn't get distracted there by shopping malls or outlets and because there's a park there where I could think in peace.  I also chose Solvang because I went there 2 and a half years ago w/ Candiss and there was something symbolic about going again this year.

In 2009, when I first went to Solvang, I was in a very emotional broken state.  I lost a lot in 2009 (unaffectionately named, Hurricane 2009) and the pain was very fresh when we visited this random Danish themed town.

The Santa Ines Mission is in Solvang.  It's one of the missions that was built under the leadership of Father Junipero Serra.  Now, I'm not a catholic, but the significance of the stations of the cross was not lost on me. I was reminded then that I wasn't alone.  That I had a Saviour who cares so much for me that He suffered for me.  Then, I sat on a bench and cried.  I was so hurt and broken and unsure of when things would get better.

Thankfully, life is SO much better now.  I've gone through the healing process and I'm not the same person that I was in 2009 when I first went to that mission.  So I thought it would be symbolic to go back and I did.  I walked through the stations of the cross in awe.  I found the bench that I sat on.  Only this time, I had a smile on my face and joy in my whole body.

I ended 2011 with a grateful heart.

Tis the Season to...Bake! Yum!

It's nearing Christmas and I'm in the mood to bake yummy desserts.  Yesterday, it was Cinnamon Sugar Butter Cookies (as the Mrs. Field's recipe calls them, but others mistake them for Snickerdoodles).  Today it's Apple Pie.  This weekend, I think I'll make Mexican Wedding Cookies for a potluck I'm going to as well as another apple pie (my coworkers killed the one I brought today).  :-)

For some reason, I've always loved baking.  It's something that I'm looking forward to doing w/ my kids.  I want to be the mom that ALWAYS has baked goods for the kids to come home to, for them to share w/ their friends who come to visit.  I want to be the mom that sits down w/ Little Dionna w/ milk, a cupcake and fruit (gotta encourage good habits) at the end of a school day and listens to her share everything that happened that day.  I want to be the mom that's at all of Little (enter Husband's name here)'s soccer/basketball/lacrosse games cheering on the sidelines and ready to provide a congratulatory or consoling hug afterwards.  I want to be a very hands on parent that doesn't pretend to have all of the answers, but is willing to experience new things with my kids, be their #1 fan, but still put the fear of God in them so that they don't act a fool.  :-)

Does anyone else ever think about the type of parent they'll be?  Or is it just me? 

Tis the Season to...Reflect

As the end of the year draws near, I'm beginning to reflect more and more on the things that happened, the things that stood out, my high points and the low points of 2011.

2009 started off good, but ended up being a disaster.

I spent 2010 working through the damage caused by Hurricane 2009.

It's wonderful to report that 2011 was the turnaround year.

I'm thankful for the new friendships I've formed this year with some pretty fantastic people.  After much prayer, I've gained clarity and truth with regards to lies I was believing about things that have happened in the past.  Furthermore, I've grown in leadership skills in ministry and at work.


2011 brought new visions, new relationships, new family members and new babies to spoil.  I've gained favor at work and I have a new perspective on my gifts and how God wants to use them.

The high points of 2011 involve a menagerie of events and experiences:

• Laser tag w/ 6 grown women who I have the privilege of doing ministry with
• Being at the hospital when my niece was born
• Singing He Loves Us at Jamfast (one of the few singing opportunities I had this year)
• Turning 27!!!! (You know I had to throw my favorite day of the year on there) :-)

The lowest point I can remember is being hurt by a friend, who thought he was being funny, saying some pretty unkind things to me.

Now, as I look forward to 2012, I can already tell it will be a year of celebration.  I'll be attending 4 (maybe 5) weddings (2 of which, I'm in).  Brooklyn will turn a year old in March.  And I have a feeling there will be several more exciting transitions happening in 2012 regarding work, friendships and music.  Stay tuned!

3 more weeks left of 2011.  Don't let them go without taking some time to think about all that you learned this year.

Gracias!!!!

Thanksgiving was yesterday and I'm enjoying my time w/ my family, good food and relaxation.

This year has been a whirlwind of a year w/ each month bringing some new surprise or development.  But, with all of the craziness that 2011 brought, I'm still grateful for a lot of things: (in no particular order)

My niece - She's the cutest, sweetest little thing and I'm going to enjoy being the aunt (slash god mommy) that spoils her and then sends her home to her parents.  When she gets older, I'm looking forward to baking w/ her, shopping w/ her and singing songs w/ her in the car.  Until then, I'll settle for lots of hugs and kisses and rounds of Itsy Bitsy Spider.

My family - The never cease to love and support each other.  It's an awesome example of unconditional love.

A job - In this economy, having a steady paycheck is definitely something to thank God for everyday.

A sense of purpose - I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have a clue about what I was put on this earth to do.  And even though I don't know all of The Plan, I'm grateful for what God has revealed to me so far.  It helps to guide my decisions and definitely keeps life interesting.

AWESOMAZING friends -  It's true that as we get older, we have fewer and fewer close friends.  The ones that I have are great!  I'm thankful for people are willing to listen, give advice, offer truth, laugh, eat and encourage.

Those are just a few things I'm grateful for this year.  And if the last few months are any indication of what's coming, then 2012 is going to be very exciting and there'll be plenty more to be thankful for. 

Tis the season...To Watch TV

Recently, I realized how much TV I actually watch right now.  The number of shows is pretty shameful.  So I won't go there.  But, I hope it suffices to say that it's too much and I should be doing other things with my time.

HOWEVER, because I've put in the time, I do feel fairly qualified to recommend some of the new shows that I'm watching.  So here goes:

Up All Night - I love Christina Applegate.  She and Mya Rudolph together are a treat.  It's really funny.  Wednesday nights on NBC.

New Girl - Not your average comedy and I think you'll need to be a certain type of person to like this one.  But I can't get enough.  Zooey Deschanel is this very quirky (okay, weird) girl living w/ 3 men, who love her and can't stand her all at the same time.  Most of the humor is in how they all interact w/ each other.  Give it a try.  Tuesday nights on FOX.

Last Man Standing - Tim Allen is back, y'all.  Now he's raising 3 years.  He's totally a man's man, working in a pretty male chauvanistic company.  But he's surrounded by women at home.  I don't think the show has found it's sweet spot completely yet.  But it's definitely getting there.  Tuesdays on ABC.

That's all for now.  If I give you any more, you might start to think that I'm a sad soul who has a flat screen square box as a bff.