Are You A Jerk?

Jerk: someone who regularly gives sarcastic remarks (either under their breath or out loud), makes jokes (even if not overtly evil) at the expense of others, or someone whose words are used to belittle or embarrass another person.

That's the definition of a jerk in the community that I live in. And I must admit that I am a jerk. I use sarcasm like a 2nd language and I'm not sarcastic in a cute, funny way. When I am sarcastic w/ adults, it often walks a fine like between hurtful and funny. And if someone laughs, it's usually not the person the comment is directed at. No, I am not an evil person. I love my friends. I enjoy being around people. I don't walk around w/ the intention to hurt others. Still, there are times when my jerk status is undeniable.

God has been dealing w/ me about this so I've been thinking about it a lot and I'm still trying to work things out in my head, but I would like to share some of the things that I've been learning:

1. I've found that there are at least 2 reasons why someone is a jerk: a) They are bitter about life or a situation or b) On some level, they want to make others feel inadequate or look bad in front of others.

I don't think that A applies to me, so I'm going to talk a little about B. I know it seems harsh, but I couldn't come up w/ any other way to say it. Let's face it, we all belittle others at some point in our lives. The car in front of us on the freeway is driving too slow. We switch lanes, get alongside the car and give the driver "the look" before getting in front of him/her. We give the waiter/waitress a horribly low tip to make sure they know that they did a bad job serving you that night. We give a friend the cold shoulder until they apologize. In all of these situations we are screaming "YOU DID SOMETHING THAT I THOUGHT WAS WRONG AND YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT IT."

Now, I don't think that you shouldn't say something if you were hurt by someone you care about. But the situations I describe above are not good examples of showing love to others.

Let's bring in sarcasm. You are at an event for your church on a Friday night and the event planners have provided food for the people who show up. One of the participants complains that “There isn’t any fruit!” or “Why did they get this chicken? Albertson’s is better than this!”

Response 1: Welcome to a free event w/ free food! It’s customary to not complain if you aren’t paying for it.

Response 2: I’m just happy that it’s free.

You can imagine the tone of each response. Response 1 was sarcastic and didn’t show love, just chastisement, and Response 2 was subtle and calm. I think both responses drive the point across, but #2 was less “jerkful.” There is possibly a better response that isn’t rude, but I think you get the point that that Response 1 was sarcastic AND delivered w/ the intent to “put someone in their place.”

2. The tone we use is often more important than what we say. People often hear our tone before hearing the words we’re saying. So if you sound like you’re being a jerk (even if that’s not your intention), you still have a problem. Recognize it and work on it.

3. Unfortunately, people who don’t know you well are quicker to remember the times when you were a jerk. “Once a jerk, always a jerk” in their eyes. That makes it harder for them to receive when you are showing love or being truthful.

That sucks for me because I’m sure that there are people walking around who really think I’m a mean person and don’t want to get close to me because their experiences w/ me haven’t always involved me showing love to them.

No, I am not saying that you can’t tell sarcastic jokes or make side comments every now and then. What I am saying is that your context is important. Be aware of who is around you, who can hear you. ALSO, don’t assume that everyone is okay w/ sarcasm. Some people just don’t communicate like that. Sure, I can be a jerk to Tonee and Minah once in awhile. They know me well enough to know that I’m not trying to be hurtful and I really do love them. However, not everyone is cool w/ that, so I have to do better.