I'm fairly certain that no one reads this thing anymore. But that's fine. I'm mostly blogging again because I enjoy writing and I think it may be helpful for me to get some thoughts out. And if people are reading this, it's ok because I don't plan on sharing any deep, dark secrets.
On July 27th, 2009, Mark and I broke up. Well, to be honest, he broke up with me. And, WOW, what a process the break up has been.
[Don't worry, I won't be saying slanderous things about MC on the internet. As a matter of fact, I won't say anything that he doesn't already know.]
To be even more honest, I probably should have been the one to end the relationship. I thought about it several times last summer. But I saw so much potential in me...in him...in us. I loved him and I have a hard time letting go of things that I love. But the truth is that it wasn't working. On my end, I was having to fight for things that you shouldn't have to in a relationship (examples: date night, someone to care about my safety when I didn't have a car for 3 months, my birthday party). Near the end I realized that all those things were because he just didn't feel as deeply for me as I did for him. If you think someone is the best thing since Mrs. Fields cookies, you're willing to do anything for them. He didn't feel that way about me and I deserve to be w/ someone who does.
On his end, he was dealing with issues of why he didn't love me to pieces. While he didn't share those things on the night we broke up, he did reveal them (in painful detail) to me in an email a few weeks ago. So it seems like we were both coming to the same conclusion in July. He just got there faster than me.
Since then, the break up process has been.....difficult (to put it mildly). Even though I knew it wasn't working for both of us, I blamed myself for the break up. I was depressed for awhile. And, unfortunately, I didn't have the luxury of never seeing this guy again. I go to church w/ him. We're both in leadership in the Music Ministry. I had to see him ALL THE TIME. So, I pulled myself together for church (I clean up pretty well these days) and vowed that in public no one would have any reason to feel sorry for me. I didn't even tell people that he "dumped" me. I was even NICE to him. Of course, that wasn't super hard because we're still "friends" and I was only angry at him for about 10 seconds.
I'm actually thinking of writing a book about how to practically go thru a break up when you can't delete the other person from your life. Well, I should say when you don't want to delete the other person from your life. Because, one thing I'm grateful for is that we were friends before we started dating. I knew a lot of the good and the bad before we decided to date. Because I love him as a friend and brother in Christ, I have no desire to drag his name thru the mud or return hurt for hurt.
Until now, this break up has been a private process for me. Now, I'm breaking the silence (a bit) as a sign that there's nothing for me to be ashamed of. Sometimes things just don't work out the way we want them to. And yes, that can hurt like hell. But I know that God made me out of some strong stuff and as time has passed, I've gotten stronger and stronger. Now, I'm ready to move on w/ my life. It's not because of anything he's done or said. Not because I've started dating anyone new (although, feel free to tell any of your single guy friends about how awesome I am). It's not even because I had some big "closure" experience. I just know that God has some wonderful things planned for me and if I don't decide to move forward (and actually begin to move forward), I may miss them. That is unacceptable to me. No man is worth that. So, because He makes all things new, I will follow Him forward.
