They call break ups a process for a reason. Mine had (has) several layers:
1. The Blame Game
As I mentioned before, I blamed myself for the relationship ending. Sometimes when kids' parents get divorced, they blame themselves. That's because they don't understand what happened. That's how I felt. I didn't feel like MC give me the real story when we broke up. But I also just didn't understand. "God, I prayed for this. You said yes. Why would you allow it to end like this? We loved each other, made each other laugh, had inside jokes, were attracted to each other. I don't get it." God wasn't giving me very many answers or clarity. I didn't understand, so I blamed myself. I wasn't pretty enough. I pushed him too hard. I wanted to spend too much time w/ him. I didn't wear the right clothes. I made too big of a deal about my birthday. Ridiculous, huh? SIDENOTE: Somehow, I forgot that I'd strongly considered breaking up w/ him. But strong emotions make you forget the truth sometimes.
2. The God Factor
Where was God in all of this? I did feel like God answered a prayer when we started dating. What was the point of allowing us to date for A YEAR just to break up? Plus, God was telling me some confusing things after the break up. I wouldn't dare say that God was contradicting Himself because I know He doesn't do that. But I still don't know what some of His words that he gave me after the BU mean. I do know that He took very good care of me. I got to see my family every month after the BU. He provided for me financially thru several awards from work. He put people around me to affirm me. He gave me my very own 1 Kings 19 experience and I'll never forget that.
3. MC is Still a Part of My Life.
I don't really feel like going into this right now. But I will say that he and I still talk. For some reason, I feel really comfortable telling him almost anything. But him still being around has made things complicated for me and my process at times. I really am going to write a book about this one day.
Other layers include....
4. My Private Process
It's not easy carrying all that weight around on your own shoulders and rarely being able to unload it.
5. My Public Process
That would be my current state. I don't know what to say about this yet.
6. Dating Someone New (HIM)
As far as I know, that hasn't happened yet. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. But it's out of my control.
7. Dating Someone New (ME)
This also hasn't happened yet. But now that I know how much I'm worth and how someone who is serious about me and feels strongly for me should treat me, I feel much more equipped for whoever I allow to date me next.
8. Friends
It's funny how my friends' reactions to the BU and MC change based on my attitude. It used to be a regular topic of conversation. Now that I've vowed not to talk about it much, neither do they. I have some great friends. I think they'll be ecstatic when my turn finally comes for the "right" relationship. Yes, they sometimes make things more difficult for me, but I know it's out of love.
I'm sure there are other layers, but maybe they'll come up later.
