Hope Deferred

This has been a tough season for me.  I guess it all started when I realized that I'd experienced a whole host of disappointments.  Let downs at work, in my friendships, with my music, in romantic relationships and in my finances.  As a matter of fact, if I compared the disappointments to the things I'd wanted that I actually got, the former outweighed the latter.  That sucks!

So what did I do?  I turned to God, of course.  "Um, Sir, this doesn't feel good.  I thought that if I prayed and hoped, my odds would increase."  Then, I got sad...and frustrated...and confused.

Recently someone told me that when your soul (emotions, thoughts, etc.) is a mess sometimes that mess can spill over into your spirit and affect your relationship w/ God.  That's where things were headed w/ me.  I was sad and didn't understand why things weren't working out the way I prayed for and hoped they would.  But I knew that "hope deferred makes the heart sick" and my heart was definitely sick.  I cried a lot.  Tears were always just under the surface waiting to spill out.

What's the point of hope, I asked, if you have no control over the outcome anyway?

What does hope even mean?

I was tempted to swear to my own hurt that from now on I'd keep my expectations low so that when things didn't work out in the future, I wouldn't fall as far.

But what kind of life is that?  If hope has an impact on our soul (emotions, thoughts, attitudes, etc.), then it must be a good thing.  If there are scriptures that instruct us to put our hope in God, there must be a purpose for it.  Hope makes way for joy and a joyless life is not a life I want to live.

Now, I still don't have all of the answers.  But I've gotten to the point where I've accepted where I am and processed my feelings.  My constant prayer is that God infuses me with hope.  I can't conjure it up and I don't have the energy to fake it.  What I can do is speak life and positive things (instead of speaking low expectations) and I can try to find the joy in every situation.

Trained Impatience

I'm not very good at waiting.  I've known for awhile.  But I just chalked it up to being an impatient process-rusher.  However, I've come to realize that the explanation runs a little deeper than that.

In 7th grade, I joined a group called Leadership in my Junior High School.  We planned the student events at the school, ran the Student Store and organized class elections.  It was there that I first started to recognize and cultivate my leadership skills.  I began to practice event planning and public speaking.  And I was good at it.

I continued to be involved in Leadership throughout Junior High and High School.  I even branched out to leadership in other things that I was involved in.  My resume was pretty impressive:

- JV Soccer Captain

- Yearbook Staff (sophomore and junior years)

- Editor of the Yearbook (senior year)

- Junior class VP (or maybe it was secretary...I don't remember for sure)

- Student Body President (senior year)

- AP classes my Junior and Senior years

- Varsity Soccer my Junior and Senior years

- Participated in the National Teen Leadership Program every summer (and got my school to pay for 10 students to come 1 summer)

Anyways....All that to say that I was well trained and putting my leadership skills into action.

One of the things leaders learn to do is get things done efficiently, under budget and before the deadline.

What does any of this have to do w/ not being patient, you ask?

Well, I was trained to do things well in the shortest amount of time possible.  So, it makes sense now that long processes make me antsy and uncomfortable.  And when I'm not in control of the timing of things, you can imagine how much more itchy my fingers get to make things go faster.

But God is teaching me how to follow His leadership and wait on His timing.  While I'm no longer a process-rusher, intervening in things to get things done in my timing, I'm still waiting on waiting cheerfully for God to do His thing.  I'm getting better at it.  But I'm still a work in progress.

Not the Same Person

On Friday, I decided that I needed to get away, relax, do something different and get some final 2011 reflection time in.  I decided to go to Solvang - about 2 hours away from the Valley.  I chose Solvang because I knew I wouldn't get distracted there by shopping malls or outlets and because there's a park there where I could think in peace.  I also chose Solvang because I went there 2 and a half years ago w/ Candiss and there was something symbolic about going again this year.

In 2009, when I first went to Solvang, I was in a very emotional broken state.  I lost a lot in 2009 (unaffectionately named, Hurricane 2009) and the pain was very fresh when we visited this random Danish themed town.

The Santa Ines Mission is in Solvang.  It's one of the missions that was built under the leadership of Father Junipero Serra.  Now, I'm not a catholic, but the significance of the stations of the cross was not lost on me. I was reminded then that I wasn't alone.  That I had a Saviour who cares so much for me that He suffered for me.  Then, I sat on a bench and cried.  I was so hurt and broken and unsure of when things would get better.

Thankfully, life is SO much better now.  I've gone through the healing process and I'm not the same person that I was in 2009 when I first went to that mission.  So I thought it would be symbolic to go back and I did.  I walked through the stations of the cross in awe.  I found the bench that I sat on.  Only this time, I had a smile on my face and joy in my whole body.

I ended 2011 with a grateful heart.