They call break ups a process for a reason. Mine had (has) several layers:
1. The Blame Game
As I mentioned before, I blamed myself for the relationship ending. Sometimes when kids' parents get divorced, they blame themselves. That's because they don't understand what happened. That's how I felt. I didn't feel like MC give me the real story when we broke up. But I also just didn't understand. "God, I prayed for this. You said yes. Why would you allow it to end like this? We loved each other, made each other laugh, had inside jokes, were attracted to each other. I don't get it." God wasn't giving me very many answers or clarity. I didn't understand, so I blamed myself. I wasn't pretty enough. I pushed him too hard. I wanted to spend too much time w/ him. I didn't wear the right clothes. I made too big of a deal about my birthday. Ridiculous, huh? SIDENOTE: Somehow, I forgot that I'd strongly considered breaking up w/ him. But strong emotions make you forget the truth sometimes.
2. The God Factor
Where was God in all of this? I did feel like God answered a prayer when we started dating. What was the point of allowing us to date for A YEAR just to break up? Plus, God was telling me some confusing things after the break up. I wouldn't dare say that God was contradicting Himself because I know He doesn't do that. But I still don't know what some of His words that he gave me after the BU mean. I do know that He took very good care of me. I got to see my family every month after the BU. He provided for me financially thru several awards from work. He put people around me to affirm me. He gave me my very own 1 Kings 19 experience and I'll never forget that.
3. MC is Still a Part of My Life.
I don't really feel like going into this right now. But I will say that he and I still talk. For some reason, I feel really comfortable telling him almost anything. But him still being around has made things complicated for me and my process at times. I really am going to write a book about this one day.
Other layers include....
4. My Private Process
It's not easy carrying all that weight around on your own shoulders and rarely being able to unload it.
5. My Public Process
That would be my current state. I don't know what to say about this yet.
6. Dating Someone New (HIM)
As far as I know, that hasn't happened yet. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. But it's out of my control.
7. Dating Someone New (ME)
This also hasn't happened yet. But now that I know how much I'm worth and how someone who is serious about me and feels strongly for me should treat me, I feel much more equipped for whoever I allow to date me next.
8. Friends
It's funny how my friends' reactions to the BU and MC change based on my attitude. It used to be a regular topic of conversation. Now that I've vowed not to talk about it much, neither do they. I have some great friends. I think they'll be ecstatic when my turn finally comes for the "right" relationship. Yes, they sometimes make things more difficult for me, but I know it's out of love.
I'm sure there are other layers, but maybe they'll come up later.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Breaking the Silence
I'm fairly certain that no one reads this thing anymore. But that's fine. I'm mostly blogging again because I enjoy writing and I think it may be helpful for me to get some thoughts out. And if people are reading this, it's ok because I don't plan on sharing any deep, dark secrets.
On July 27th, 2009, Mark and I broke up. Well, to be honest, he broke up with me. And, WOW, what a process the break up has been.
[Don't worry, I won't be saying slanderous things about MC on the internet. As a matter of fact, I won't say anything that he doesn't already know.]
To be even more honest, I probably should have been the one to end the relationship. I thought about it several times last summer. But I saw so much potential in me...in him...in us. I loved him and I have a hard time letting go of things that I love. But the truth is that it wasn't working. On my end, I was having to fight for things that you shouldn't have to in a relationship (examples: date night, someone to care about my safety when I didn't have a car for 3 months, my birthday party). Near the end I realized that all those things were because he just didn't feel as deeply for me as I did for him. If you think someone is the best thing since Mrs. Fields cookies, you're willing to do anything for them. He didn't feel that way about me and I deserve to be w/ someone who does.
On his end, he was dealing with issues of why he didn't love me to pieces. While he didn't share those things on the night we broke up, he did reveal them (in painful detail) to me in an email a few weeks ago. So it seems like we were both coming to the same conclusion in July. He just got there faster than me.
Since then, the break up process has been.....difficult (to put it mildly). Even though I knew it wasn't working for both of us, I blamed myself for the break up. I was depressed for awhile. And, unfortunately, I didn't have the luxury of never seeing this guy again. I go to church w/ him. We're both in leadership in the Music Ministry. I had to see him ALL THE TIME. So, I pulled myself together for church (I clean up pretty well these days) and vowed that in public no one would have any reason to feel sorry for me. I didn't even tell people that he "dumped" me. I was even NICE to him. Of course, that wasn't super hard because we're still "friends" and I was only angry at him for about 10 seconds.
I'm actually thinking of writing a book about how to practically go thru a break up when you can't delete the other person from your life. Well, I should say when you don't want to delete the other person from your life. Because, one thing I'm grateful for is that we were friends before we started dating. I knew a lot of the good and the bad before we decided to date. Because I love him as a friend and brother in Christ, I have no desire to drag his name thru the mud or return hurt for hurt.
Until now, this break up has been a private process for me. Now, I'm breaking the silence (a bit) as a sign that there's nothing for me to be ashamed of. Sometimes things just don't work out the way we want them to. And yes, that can hurt like hell. But I know that God made me out of some strong stuff and as time has passed, I've gotten stronger and stronger. Now, I'm ready to move on w/ my life. It's not because of anything he's done or said. Not because I've started dating anyone new (although, feel free to tell any of your single guy friends about how awesome I am). It's not even because I had some big "closure" experience. I just know that God has some wonderful things planned for me and if I don't decide to move forward (and actually begin to move forward), I may miss them. That is unacceptable to me. No man is worth that. So, because He makes all things new, I will follow Him forward.
On July 27th, 2009, Mark and I broke up. Well, to be honest, he broke up with me. And, WOW, what a process the break up has been.
[Don't worry, I won't be saying slanderous things about MC on the internet. As a matter of fact, I won't say anything that he doesn't already know.]
To be even more honest, I probably should have been the one to end the relationship. I thought about it several times last summer. But I saw so much potential in me...in him...in us. I loved him and I have a hard time letting go of things that I love. But the truth is that it wasn't working. On my end, I was having to fight for things that you shouldn't have to in a relationship (examples: date night, someone to care about my safety when I didn't have a car for 3 months, my birthday party). Near the end I realized that all those things were because he just didn't feel as deeply for me as I did for him. If you think someone is the best thing since Mrs. Fields cookies, you're willing to do anything for them. He didn't feel that way about me and I deserve to be w/ someone who does.
On his end, he was dealing with issues of why he didn't love me to pieces. While he didn't share those things on the night we broke up, he did reveal them (in painful detail) to me in an email a few weeks ago. So it seems like we were both coming to the same conclusion in July. He just got there faster than me.
Since then, the break up process has been.....difficult (to put it mildly). Even though I knew it wasn't working for both of us, I blamed myself for the break up. I was depressed for awhile. And, unfortunately, I didn't have the luxury of never seeing this guy again. I go to church w/ him. We're both in leadership in the Music Ministry. I had to see him ALL THE TIME. So, I pulled myself together for church (I clean up pretty well these days) and vowed that in public no one would have any reason to feel sorry for me. I didn't even tell people that he "dumped" me. I was even NICE to him. Of course, that wasn't super hard because we're still "friends" and I was only angry at him for about 10 seconds.
I'm actually thinking of writing a book about how to practically go thru a break up when you can't delete the other person from your life. Well, I should say when you don't want to delete the other person from your life. Because, one thing I'm grateful for is that we were friends before we started dating. I knew a lot of the good and the bad before we decided to date. Because I love him as a friend and brother in Christ, I have no desire to drag his name thru the mud or return hurt for hurt.
Until now, this break up has been a private process for me. Now, I'm breaking the silence (a bit) as a sign that there's nothing for me to be ashamed of. Sometimes things just don't work out the way we want them to. And yes, that can hurt like hell. But I know that God made me out of some strong stuff and as time has passed, I've gotten stronger and stronger. Now, I'm ready to move on w/ my life. It's not because of anything he's done or said. Not because I've started dating anyone new (although, feel free to tell any of your single guy friends about how awesome I am). It's not even because I had some big "closure" experience. I just know that God has some wonderful things planned for me and if I don't decide to move forward (and actually begin to move forward), I may miss them. That is unacceptable to me. No man is worth that. So, because He makes all things new, I will follow Him forward.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Tired
I feel like my life was taking apart this weekend, pieces were used, and then not put back together again properly.
I feel like the weekend took more out of me than it gave back.
In other words, I'm tired.
I blame the heat, the roller coaster of emotions, church, heavy food and the HEAT!
Just needed to express that....
I feel like the weekend took more out of me than it gave back.
In other words, I'm tired.
I blame the heat, the roller coaster of emotions, church, heavy food and the HEAT!
Just needed to express that....
Monday, August 24, 2009
These steps you do not walk alone
A few weeks ago, I went to Solvang, CA with a friend of mine. There is a mission in Solvang, the Santa Inez Mission, and we decided to check it out. One section of the mission is an enclosed pathway with crosses on either side, each with a depiction of a portion of Jesus' journey to the cross, His death, His burial and His resurrection. There was a gate at the start of the path with a plaque that said the following:
"These 14 steps you are now about to walk
you do not walk alone.
I walk with you.
My way of the cross 2000 years ago
and your "way" now are also one."
Wow...I was almost moved to tears.
As I walked down the path looking at the story of Jesus' death, I couldn't help but think about my own current struggles and circumstances - not to compare them, but because they are as real as Jesus' journey.
My problems didn't go away on that path. My pain did not go away. I was still sad about my situation and wished/hoped/prayed for something to change. But I was comforted by 1 thing: I wasn't alone. Jesus' journey to the cross was for me. So that I can now have a relationship with Him. So that I don't have to go through my problems, successes, triumphs and fears alone.
Realizing this as I walked the path of history thru His journey to the cross, His death, His burial and His resurrection brought me closer to Him.
Afterwards, I sat on a bench (knowing He was right there with me) and I cried.
"These 14 steps you are now about to walk
you do not walk alone.
I walk with you.
My way of the cross 2000 years ago
and your "way" now are also one."
Wow...I was almost moved to tears.
As I walked down the path looking at the story of Jesus' death, I couldn't help but think about my own current struggles and circumstances - not to compare them, but because they are as real as Jesus' journey.
My problems didn't go away on that path. My pain did not go away. I was still sad about my situation and wished/hoped/prayed for something to change. But I was comforted by 1 thing: I wasn't alone. Jesus' journey to the cross was for me. So that I can now have a relationship with Him. So that I don't have to go through my problems, successes, triumphs and fears alone.
Realizing this as I walked the path of history thru His journey to the cross, His death, His burial and His resurrection brought me closer to Him.
Afterwards, I sat on a bench (knowing He was right there with me) and I cried.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Out of Eden
Okay, so they don't actually record anymore, but Out of Eden is awesome! 3 sisters from Tennessee. You can practically watch them grow up by listening to the albums.
If you're looking for a new (to you) Christian group to get into, check them out. My favorite OOE albums are No Turning Back and Hymns. I've been listening to them since I was a preteen.
Check them out:
If you're looking for a new (to you) Christian group to get into, check them out. My favorite OOE albums are No Turning Back and Hymns. I've been listening to them since I was a preteen.
Check them out:
Tuesday
Tuesday night seems to be errand night in my building. This Tuesday, I dub myself Queen of the Night. I picked up my dry cleaning, got my hair done, washed clothes and went to Target and got a wedding gift (among other things cuz you always get more than you planned for at Target).
Despite the title, I'm not 100% committed to my Tuesday night destiny.
Even though it didn't last long enough to become a tradition, I still think of Tuesday night as Date Night and I'm still getting used to the shift.
Despite the title, I'm not 100% committed to my Tuesday night destiny.
Even though it didn't last long enough to become a tradition, I still think of Tuesday night as Date Night and I'm still getting used to the shift.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Gotta be a Joke.....right?
Disclaimer: With my most recent blog entries, I'm not intending to spread my business all over the World Wide Web. I'm not looking for sympathy or encouragement. But it does help me to write as an outlet. And maybe, just maybe, someone will read this and know that they are not alone.
-----
Yesterday, I had to shake my head and say, "My life is starting to sound like a joke."
Ever have one of those weeks?
Monday - lost your job
Tuesday - broke your tooth
Wednesday - $0 in the bank (and 4 bills due)
Thursday - got in a fight w/ your roommate
Friday - got food poisoning
Does it even matter what happened on Saturday and Sunday?
The repetition of...BAD...makes you want to say, "Really? Seriously?" And it might be a little funny (not haha funny, of course), if it weren't your life.
That's kinda how I feel. Not as bad as above, but definitely one negative circumstance after another. I looked up yesterday and I had a smashed finger, a boring staycation in front of me, still recovering from surgery, a few hopes dashed AND I'm a Bonnie Raitt song (among a list of other disasters)! I don't expect you to understand anything that I'm rambling about. But, I will say that if I had a better sense of humor, I might submit my story to FML.
I probably sound bitter, huh? I actually am not. I'm not angry at anyone. God and I are good. I'm not making plans to never love/trust/eat/leave my apartment again.
I also know that I'm not bitter because I'm still looking for a reason to hope. The best I can come up with is: It has to get better. I know it sounds vague, but it's all I have right now.
Here's the current prayer of my heart:
Dear God,
I don't understand your plan. I don't like what I see around me right now. I don't enjoy how I'm feeling. But I know you have a plan. So, I won't pray for anything specific right now because I can't bear to hear "no" and I don't believe that I have the clearest vision at the moment anyway. But I will pray that you will make it better, make life better. All I'm hoping for is better and I know you can do it.
In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen.
-----
Yesterday, I had to shake my head and say, "My life is starting to sound like a joke."
Ever have one of those weeks?
Monday - lost your job
Tuesday - broke your tooth
Wednesday - $0 in the bank (and 4 bills due)
Thursday - got in a fight w/ your roommate
Friday - got food poisoning
Does it even matter what happened on Saturday and Sunday?
The repetition of...BAD...makes you want to say, "Really? Seriously?" And it might be a little funny (not haha funny, of course), if it weren't your life.
That's kinda how I feel. Not as bad as above, but definitely one negative circumstance after another. I looked up yesterday and I had a smashed finger, a boring staycation in front of me, still recovering from surgery, a few hopes dashed AND I'm a Bonnie Raitt song (among a list of other disasters)! I don't expect you to understand anything that I'm rambling about. But, I will say that if I had a better sense of humor, I might submit my story to FML.
I probably sound bitter, huh? I actually am not. I'm not angry at anyone. God and I are good. I'm not making plans to never love/trust/eat/leave my apartment again.
I also know that I'm not bitter because I'm still looking for a reason to hope. The best I can come up with is: It has to get better. I know it sounds vague, but it's all I have right now.
Here's the current prayer of my heart:
Dear God,
I don't understand your plan. I don't like what I see around me right now. I don't enjoy how I'm feeling. But I know you have a plan. So, I won't pray for anything specific right now because I can't bear to hear "no" and I don't believe that I have the clearest vision at the moment anyway. But I will pray that you will make it better, make life better. All I'm hoping for is better and I know you can do it.
In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen.
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